


Sea to Sky

by HaloHalo



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:08:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28642716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HaloHalo/pseuds/HaloHalo
Summary: Lucas is so close to finishing his last year of university. All he has to do is focus and study and not screw anything up. Of course, that's easier said than done when it feels like his entire world is crumbling. He doesn't know which is worse, failing a class or falling in love, and he doesn't want to find out.
Relationships: Qian Kun/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 47
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

Lucas stood in the lobby of the high rise student housing building, bobbing his head to the music streaming in his ears. Today was move-in day, which meant long lines of students waiting to check-in to their room assignments. Luckily, he was a senior and their line was the shortest. 

He’d lived in student housing for three years already, in various buildings around campus. This building was the newest and the nicest, by far. His room was on the 10th floor, which meant it probably had a fantastic view of the surrounding area. Campus was located on the far west side of town, enclosed by water on three sides and a forested park on the fourth side. That was where the similarity to his hometown, Hong Kong, ended. Vancouver was much less densely populated. Attending a university with sixty thousand other students, felt peaceful compared to life back home. 

When it was his turn, he took his headphones out and gave his name to the serious looking guy standing at the desk.

“Lucas Wong,” he said, giving the anglicised version of his name. “W-o-n-g,” he spelled, in case the guy needed to differentiate him from the many Wangs and Huangs in the registry. He eyed the name tag pinned to the guy’s sky blue shirt - Kun Qian. A Chinese name. It wasn’t at all unusual. 

“Okay,” the guy said, retrieving a packet from the file of folders. He paused to scratch the name off of a list and then slid the packet across the desk. “You’re all checked in. Information about your room assignment, resident services, rules and regulations are inside. Elevators are located behind you at the other end of the lobby, take them to the 10th floor and turn right.”

“Thanks, Kun,” Lucas said, letting the single syllable name roll through his lips, rounded by a wide smile. 

“Welcome back. Have a great school year,” Kun said, a tired, almost robotic undertone to his voice. “Next,” he called, motioning for the next student in line to come forward. 

Lucas stepped out of the way and plugged his headphones back into his ears. He spotted the elevators and made his way across the room, ignoring the stares of appreciation along the way. He joined a group of students waiting for a lift up to their various floors. Elevators on campus were absurdly slow, so he glanced down the hall, wondering if there was a stairwell nearby. He wasn’t in the mood to lug his suitcase up ten flights of stairs, but it would be good to know for the future. He flipped his information packet open and saw his room code written on the first slip of paper. Below it was a card paper clipped to the pocket. It gave the name and contact information for his assigned resident advisor - Kun Qian. 

No wonder the guy at the desk seemed like such a mudstick. Was that the saying? Anyway, resident advisors were supposed to support students, but they seemed to be more concerned with reporting students for breaking the rules. Lucas hoped this guy wasn’t going to be a bother. He had lots of ideas for things he wanted to get away with in his last year of university. 

The elevator arrived and students trickled out. He crowded in with a few other students and their luggage. Lucas was tired after travelling, even though he’d slept through most of the flight. He’d just returned to Canada from home and the feeling was bittersweet. There was so much going on that made him worry about his family and friends and community. 

He was especially worried about his younger brother, who was still living with their father. Their parents divorced three years ago. His mother moved out of their home and into her boyfriend’s place, the day after he graduated from high school. Lucas felt bad about leaving his brother there, in the silence and emptiness of their father’s new apartment. But he had to get away. 

His parents had been miserable for years leading up to the divorce and continued to fight after. They were the primary reason he’d even applied to school in Canada. The other reason was the fact that his school marks would never have gotten him into a top university back home. He’d spent his last year of high school partying more than he studied, anything to get away from the incessant fighting. So he took a gamble on his English scores being good enough to get him into a university overseas. He managed to get into a good school, but his success was immediately dampened by his parents’ struggle over the family business, which his mom ran, but his dad was the one who had funded the starting costs. 

Lucas was the last one in the elevator by the time it reached the 10th floor and he was more than ready to take a shower and collapse onto the too firm mattress of the single bed waiting for him. Though it was only a small room with a bed, desk, kitchenette, and washroom, Lucas was happy to have a room all to himself. It cost more, but it was worth it. He paid for his own expenses via print modelling, which he’d been doing every summer since he was fourteen. 

While other kids were making summer memories with their friends, he was working. That’s just the way it was. Host and server at the restaurant, coach at sports camps, pose for clothing ads, when was there time to study? School didn’t come naturally to him and it seemed that no matter how hard he studied, it never became any easier. Despite that, he wanted to be a teacher. He loved coaching kids and kids loved having him for a coach. 

His parents banked on his brother being the smart one and sent him to tutoring academies and advanced courses. It was a lot of pressure, so Lucas made sure to have some fun with him this summer when he was home. Wholesome daytime fun, like swimming and other sports. He wouldn’t let his brother near the crowded club district where he spent his nights parting with his friends and letting older women buy him round after round of drinks. 

Lucas exited the elevator and turned right, as the serious guy, RA Kun, advised him. If he wasn’t careful about drinking, he would lose his position on the swimming team. He had to keep his body in good condition and his marks high enough to pass all his classes and graduate. He was a jock. People never expected him to go to university. So they encouraged him to keep modelling. He was tall, well built, and brimming with charisma. He knew that flashing his wide, easy smile would get him his way most of the time. But he didn’t want to rely on that alone. The modelling industry was notoriously fickle and brutal. Besides, he wanted to do something with his mind, show everybody that he wasn’t just some big, dumb, puppy. 

He walked by a corner apartment with - Welcome Kun Qian - written on a small whiteboard tacked up beside the door. Great, so the RA was not only on his floor but in his hallway too. Lucas found his room, or what, after double checking, he was fairly certain was supposed to be his room, with - Welcome Lucas Wang - written on the whiteboard.

The room was small but comfortable. It had floor to ceiling windows along an entire wall, which made it feel more open. The blinds were raised, letting sunshine stream into the room, which was a seasonal delight he’d come to greatly appreciate. He took a moment to stare at the vast stretches of sea and sky outside. He’d lived in Vancouver for three years already, but he never ceased to be amazed at the natural beauty.

When he’d drank his fill of the view, he lifted his shirt over his head, an almost exact match for the blue-grey colour of the strait outside. He sniffed it, wrinkled his nose at the scent of airplane and sweat, and tossed it onto the floor. Then he flopped onto the bed and opened a group chat, asking if anyone was back and wanted to hit the beach later. There was only about a month of sunshine left before the weather turned to clouds and rain until next summer. And though he’d been naked in all types of weather, clothing optional beaches were most fun when the sun was shining and there were plenty of women to flirt with. That was his next best skill, besides swimming. He was good at making people smile.

  
********

Lucas always looked forward to the first big parties of the year. They usually happened on the Saturday before classes started. It was an opportunity to wander around to different dorms and frat houses and other spaces around campus and meet lots of people. Plus, the weather was still warm, so the ladies were still scantily clad. 

He met up with some friends, two of which were living in his same building, and made the rounds. By 1:00, he was tired, still fighting off jet lag, so he invited a girl to go home with him. She was another bottle blonde who cooed about how tall and muscular he was “for an Asian guy.” He’d heart it about a hundred times before and while he rolled his eyes on the inside, it didn’t stop him from taking these girls back to his room for the night. Maybe he should have put his pride before his penis, but he wasn’t going to talk to them again, so what did it matter? 

He liked his sex with no strings attached. So he always made it clear that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend. If that worked for the girl, and she was sober, then he would take her back to his room or go back to hers. It was easy this way, no emotions, no complications. 

Returning to his room with a girl in tow wasn’t against any rules, but he did like to be discreet. People talked about him enough, even started rumours about him, based on how he looked. So while he was a big flirt, his sex life was something he liked to keep low key. 

They arrived on the 10th floor and made a right turn. Approaching the corner apartment, Lucas could hear music that sounded like it was live, happening here and now. The RA’s door was propped open, which meant he was on shift. RAs were born nerds, Lucas thought, who else wanted to give up all their Saturday nights to deal with students and their drunken shenanigans?

He slowed his stride and peeked inside. Kun was sitting at a desk, playing a keyboard, his soft, smooth voice floating over a dreamy melody, backed by an R&B sounding beat. Lucas stared. So the stone faced RA was a musician. How unexpected. 

Lucas followed the tune in his mind, letting it anchor itself in his memory. Long nails began to scratch at his back as the girl ( Shayley? Shayna?) pressed her barely concealed breasts into his arm and started to palm his pants zipper. 

“Luke,” she said, “let’s go. I wanna see if the size of your shoe matches the size of your dick.”

He snapped back into his body. “That’s not a real thing, you know. There’s no science for that,” he said, as he resumed walking down the hallway to his room. “It’s the hands,” he added, wiggling his fingers lasciviously. 

********

The semester was off to an ordinary start. As usual, Lucas already had more homework than he could handle. What took his friends an hour to complete, took him two. Though he’d gotten used to reading in English and even thinking in English, his writing still needed help. Luckily, his smartest friend lived two floors down and was free to meet in the common room to correct his assignment. 

He’d met YangYang where they were in their first year and roomed together in an apartment suite on the south end of campus. The kid was a year younger but some kind of certified genius. He’d skipped a grade, which Lucas couldn’t even believe was a thing, and started university early. His parents lived in Sweden or Singapore or somewhere that wasn’t anywhere near here and he knew like five languages. Not only was he great at homework, but video games and basketball too. They were joined by their friend DJ, short for Dejun (which was oddly difficult for most Canadians to pronounce), who had also shared their apartment suite during the first year. DJ liked games and sports and he even shared the same mother tongue as Lucas, making them fast friends. 

He was listening to DJ outline his new macros and gym routine, when the RA walked into the room. Lucas watched him shuffle around, in his oversized house clothes, glasses, and chunky sneakers, leaving flyers on tables. When he reached Lucas’ table, he waved, awkwardly, and placed a few of the papers in the middle of the table. 

What a nerd, Lucas thought. He was amazed that such an unassuming guy could make the kind of music that he heard the other night. The song had been so…sexy. 

“Hey, your name is Kun, right?” Lucas asked, flashing his wide, easy smile. 

“Yes,” Kun replied, his face still masked with indifference.

“I’m Lucas. I’m on your floor, same hall actually.” He gestured to his right and left sides. “This is DJ and he’s YangYang.”

The guys said hi and Kun returned the greeting. 

“I heard music the other night. That was you singing?” Lucas asked.

Kun’s face softened with a slight smile. “Yes.”

It was the first expression Lucas had seen besides his serious, stone face. “Wow.”

“I’m a grad student in the Music department, so usually I work over there. But when I’m on an RA shift I work at home. If it’s a bother, I’ll make sure to use headphones after ten at night.”

“No, no!” Lucas insisted. “It was really interesting. Did you write that song?” 

“Write, compose, sing, play,” Kun replied, dipping his head to nudge the corner of his glasses up. A few strands of hair fell across his forehead.

“Do you perform too?”

“Ah, not really. I haven’t in a long time.”

“So what are you doing in school instead of playing shows and getting a record deal?” Lucas blurted.

Kun’s smile receded. “Record deals don’t grow on trees. Only a lucky few get signed as artists. I’d be happy to work in the industry as a studio musician or producer.” 

“Then why don’t you go do that?” Lucas asked. He could feel two sets of eyes burning through him, as his friends looked up from their homework. He’d said something wrong, hadn’t he? 

Kun took a step back. “I should go study.”

Lucas watched him walk away, feeling like he’d put his entire foot in his mouth. “What the fuck?” He mouthed, glancing around to his friends for help.

“That was bad,” DJ said. 

“Why were you so mean to him?” YangYang asked. 

Lucas leaned back in his chair and sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t know. I didn’t intentionally say anything rude. I just wanted to know about his music.”

“I guess this proves your charisma only activates around women,” DJ laughed.

  
********

The following evening, Lucas was feeling restless. It was Friday night and he should have been out, but midterms were coming up in two weeks and he needed to study. It was difficult to concentrate for hours at a time, so he decided he deserved a break. 

He went to the mini fridge and retrieved a beer. He didn’t usually drink during swim season, but he didn’t have practice tomorrow and he’d been good, staying home to study, so why not enjoy himself a little. He flopped back onto his bed, crumpling a sheet of loose leaf paper under his knee, and scrolled through his phone for something else to listen to. He’d been listening to a lo-fi instrumental hip-hop stream, a stand-by amongst a lot of students, but it was starting to sound repetitive so he searched for something else, something chill but not so chill that he’d fall asleep.

Lucas hummed as he scrolled and it took him a moment to realise that he was recalling the melody from RA Kun’s song. He still felt bad about what he'd said yesterday. He really liked the song and wanted to know more about his music, like if he played shows or had an album. He’d meant his questions as a compliment. Instead they had come out vaguely insulting. This wasn’t uncommon for him, but usually he could flash a bright smile and all was forgiven. Kun seemed immune to that. Maybe there was something Lucas could do to make it up to him.

Lucas grabbed another beer and walked over to Kun’s room. The door was open, indicating that he was on RA shift again. Lucas peered inside and saw Kun sitting at the desk, wearing black pants with a black tee shirt and oversized camel coloured cardigan. He was wearing different glasses this time and a set of headphones. Lucas knocked loudly. 

Kun glanced up, his expression unchanged when he saw that it was Lucas in the doorway. 

Lucas readied and released his widest grin. “Hey man! Just wanted to stop by and bring you an offering.” He waved the beer can. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to hit you with so many questions or say anything rude. I was just curious about your music.” 

“It’s fine,” Kun said. 

Lucas waved the unopened beer again. What a fool, he was. At this rate, the beer was going to explode the moment Kun cracked it open and then he might think that was another attack. 

“I’m on shift,” Kun reminded him, referring to the generally known fact that drinking at work was not allowed.

“Oh, right,” Lucas responded, belatedly realising that he was holding an open beer in the hallway, which was also not allowed.

Kun stood and stretched, a flash of skin made visible between the hem of his shirt and the waistband of his pants. “Do you want some coffee?” 

“Sure,” Lucas said, leaning forward to watch Kun walk from the main room to the kitchen.

“Come in,” Kun motioned with his hand for Lucas to enter the apartment. 

“I’m surprised you drink coffee this late,” Lucas said.

“I’m surprised you drink alcohol during swim season,” Kun replied.

Lucas set both beers down on the kitchen counter and watched as Kun prepared a pot of stovetop espresso. “How do you know I’m a swimmer?”

“I’ve seen you come in with wet hair. You should really dry it before leaving the pool, especially once the weather turns cold, so you don’t get sick.” 

Lucas smiled. His grandmother used to say the same thing to him. But this time he knew it was better to keep his mouth shut than to openly compare the guy to a little old lady. He leaned an elbow on the counter and glanced around the apartment. As a corner unit, it had floor to ceiling windows across two walls. The living room was a decent size, furnished with a long blue sofa and a low wooden table. There was also a desk, flanked with narrow tables, piled with a computer and music equipment, pens and notebooks, and a comfortable looking chair, similar to the one YangYang used for gaming. He glanced down the hall but the doors to the washroom and bedroom were only slightly ajar, so he couldn’t see inside. 

“The washroom is on the right, if you need it,” Kun said, making it clear that he noticed Lucas’ curiosity. 

“Thanks, I, uh, really liked that song you played last week. Did you write it?” 

Kun looked at him from across the counter. His face was still, but a hint of amusement percolated in his eyes. “I played lots of songs last week.” 

“Oh, right,” Lucas mumbled. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to bring the melody to the front of his mind. “It went like this.” He started to hum.

A few bars was all it took for Kun to join, layering a soft harmony above the hummed notes.

“Yes!” Lucas grinned. “That’s it!” 

“Good memory.” Kun smiled. It was a bashful smile adorned with two small dimples and something about it made Lucas smile even wider. 

“Would you play it? I can’t get it out of my head. I want to hear the whole thing.”

“Sure,” Kun said, wiping his hands with a kitchen towel. He went to his desk and flicked a few switches, cuing the beat and adding the dreamy piano melody when the moment was right. His voice swirled in like a cloud.

Lucas had been right about the song having a sexy atmosphere. The lyrics were romantic, sensual, poetic. He found himself moving his head to the rhythm, his mind getting lost in a haze.

“Your body next to mine,” Kun sang, his voice stopping short before the next line.

The scent of fresh coffee filled the air.

“Coffee’s ready,” he said, returning to the kitchen. 

Lucas watched as he poured the rich, dark brew into two small cups pattered with a rainbow mosaic of colours. He lifted a cup, along with its matching dish, and placed on the counter in front of Lucas. 

“Enjoy!” Kun said, raising his eyebrows as he raised his tiny cup, pursed his lips to blow on it and then took a sip. 

Lucas knew his eyes were wide as he watched, but he wanted to portray himself as a sophisticated espresso drinker, so he collected his expression into something more serious and blew on his cup before taking a sip that turned out to be almost scalding and very bitter. 

Kun chuckled and placed a small carafe of maple syrup on the counter. 

“Thanks” Lucas said, drizzling plenty into his drink. 

“I have some oat milk too, if you want.”

“Yes, please,” Lucas said, with a laugh. Okay, so maybe he wasn’t a sophisticated espresso drinker. 

He watched appreciatively as Kun heated some oat milk in the microwave and then foamed with with a handheld device. He floated the foam to the top of Lucas’ cup and with a chopstick drew a few swirls that somehow turned into the planet Saturn. 

“Whoa,” Lucas marvelled, mouth hanging open in a wide smile. “Are you just amazing at everything?” 

Kun laughed. “Not at all. I’m pretty terrible at sports. I always lose at games. But I did work in a coffeeshop all through undergrad, so at least I can make latte art.”

“Do you speak Chinese?” Lucas asked. 

“Yeah. I guess so. My parents are from Fujian, but I was born here, so my English is much better.” 

“Ah,” Lucas nodded. “I’m from Hong Kong and I’m not particularly good at any language. Cantonese, Mandarin, English, I mess them all up.” 

“How’s your swimming record?” Kun asked.

“I’m ranked number two on the team and number six in all of Canada,” Lucas smiled again.

“There you go. Maybe that’s your language.”

“Swimming isn’t a language,” Lucas protested. 

Kun sipped his coffee, a pensive look on his face. “English might be my first language, but I communicate best through music. Maybe your body is how you express yourself best.”

Lucas thought about it. Sports came naturally to him and modelling did too. When he didn’t have the words to describe how he felt or what he wanted to say, he could go for a run or hit the gym or pool and get it out of his system. Maybe it was the hot, sweet coffee but he suddenly felt warm inside. 

“Did you always know you wanted to make music?” 

“Yes,” Kun replied. “I’ve always been singing. My parents put me in piano lessons when I was five. I can’t imagine life without music.” 

“That’s amazing,” Lucas said, “I don’t think there’s anything I feel that way about. Not even swimming. I mean, I enjoy it, but it isn’t my whole, entire life, ya know? I’ve done some modelling, but I’m not exactly passionate about it. I love listening to music. But I don’t have any talent for making it.” 

Kun waved the sentence away with his hand. “Please, you don’t have to be born gifted. Anyone can learn to make music.” 

“Oh yeah?” Lucas flashed a playful smile. “Teach me something?”

Kun laughed. “Okay.” 

He walked over to the keyboard and beckoned Lucas to stand beside him. They were shoulder to head, so Kun looked up and made a face, acknowledging their height difference, which made Lucas laugh and spread his stance to more closely match Kun’s height. 

“What you’re gonna do is put your finger on this black key and when I point at you, play it twice, like so,” Kun said, quickly tapping the black key.”Got it?”

“Got it,” Lucas said, pressing down on the key two times for practice. 

Kun started playing Happy Birthday. When it came time for Lucas to hit his key, he nailed it, despite nearly buckling over with laughter. 

“Good job,” Kun said, his smile bright, open. 

“You’re a good teacher,” Lucas replied. 

Kun rolled his eyes at the flattery, but the smile lingered on his face.

A firm knock on the door interrupted the moment. Lucas watched as Kun went to assist a girl who wanted to file a complaint about someone smoking in the building. Realising it would take a while to get her statement and fill out paperwork, Lucas figured he should get back to studying. So he thanked Kun for the coffee and the music lesson and slipped out of the apartment. 

Lucas was in a good mood when he returned to his room. It was satisfying to have things sorted out with the RA. Now he could focus on his homework. 

He actually did, for a good hour, until a text came in from an unknown number. 

Unknown: Dream with you. That’s the name of the song. 

The message was followed up with another one containing a link to download the track. Lucas grinned as he grabbed his phone and immediately typed a response. 

Lucas: Thank you Kun.

Kun: You’re welcome. Goodnight.

Lucas downloaded the song to his phone and played it on repeat until he fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Lucas was sprawled across his bed, pillow scrunched up under his arms, listening to music and watching the rain trickle down his windows. Vancouver had two seasons, wet and dry. The wet one was nine months long. Though the weather was the mildest Canada had to offer, the city was still far enough north to make fall and winter days too short. It was already dark in the mornings when he went to the gym and swim practice and dark again when he returned home from class. If he wasn’t careful, the weather could easily slide him into a vague state of sadness. Maybe that was why he’d fucked up one of his midterms. 

This time he’d tried. He really tried his best. But it wasn’t good enough. He’d studied the material, but on the day of the exam, it was like he didn’t understand what the questions were asking. He hadn’t told his parents yet. He could practically hear his mom’s voice, criticising him. Telling him he should have worked harder and that his little brother, who was still in high school, could have done better. His father wouldn’t say anything. He never did have much to say about his future because he didn’t expect him to amount to much.

Lucas reached for his phone and switched from his mopey playlist to the one he’d mysteriously labelled with just a star. It had a single song, Dream With You, but it was a song he never tired of hearing. It seemed to be one of the few things that helped him relax. He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes, his mind drifting into a fantasy of a warm island night, sensual rhythms, a pair of arms wrapped around his chest, a voice letting him know he wasn’t alone. This was where he wanted to be, far away from where he really was. 

He startled himself awake, a short time later, nearly rolling off the too short, too narrow twin bed. He was thirsty, so he decided to go to the common room and get a drink from the vending machines. He half-heartedly ran his fingers through his rumpled hair, stuffed his feet into some slippers, and padded down the hall. 

When he reached the corner, he saw that Kun’s door was closed. He didn’t know what he was expecting or why he stopped to check. It had been a while since he’d run into Kun. He’d been busy studying for midterms. Everyone had been so busy with midterms that the halls were eerily empty. Now that exams were over and papers were in, he might see him around again and get to hear some more music. 

Lucas wandered into the common room and stood in front of the vending machines. One was filled with American sodas, including the ginger ale with Canada’s name on it, which he thought was strange. The other machine was filled with an assortment of Asian drinks, canned soy milk and bottled teas, milk coffee and fruit juices. Nothing appealed. He wanted a beer. Or whisky. Anything to get him out of his own head, even for a little while.

The liquor store near campus didn’t stay open very late, so he would have to hurry if he wanted to make it there before closing time. He changed from pyjama pants into a pair of black jeans, threw a black wool sweater over his swim team shirt, and slipped his navy bomber jacket over his shoulders. He pulled a beanie over his hair, shoved some sneakers on his feet, plugged headphones into his ears, grabbed his wallet, and headed out the door. 

As he walked down the main path through campus, he could feel eyes on him. A group of girls giggled and stared. An older women gazed at him from head to toe and back again. He was used to it. In Canada, his looks were praised for being “exotic.” Whatever that meant. It made certain things easy for him. People often smiled at him, gave him free drinks and food, offered to help him study. While a lot of girls spent an hour in front of the mirror primping and preening, all he had to do was throw on a nice jacket and jeans, and heads would turn. It wasn’t fair. But that’s the way it was. 

When he reached the liquor store, it was crowded with students buying cases of cheap beer and baskets of cheap wine. He took a stroll around the store, trying to decide if he should just grab a six pack, which meant he’d have to worry about his six pack, or get a bottle of vodka and mix it with some diet soda from the grocery store across the street. He checked his messages and saw that some guys from the swim team were having a party. He opted for the beer, grabbing something that happened to be local and on sale, and picked a line. All of them were long. But at least this line had a pair of pretty girls for him to look at. One was tall, nearly his height and wearing a Burberry trench coat over a super short minidress. The other was short and wearing a cropped leather jacket, All Saints perhaps, over a cleavage bearing minidress. 

Lucas always surprised himself with how much fashion knowledge he retained from his modelling jobs. Why couldn’t his brain hold onto information from his statistics class the same way? He still wasn’t sure why he even needed statistics as a kinesiology major. He was probably going to teach swimming, coach a team, maybe manage a health club. 

The girls in front of him were talking, laughing, and tossing him little smiles. He smiled back and took the headphones out of his ears. It was rare that he started a conversation with girls. They always approached him first. The short one spoke up, asking where he and his beer were going tonight. He told her he wasn’t sure. He might meet up with his friends from the swim team, but he hadn’t decided yet. The tall one seemed impressed that he was a swimmer and asked if there were matches that people could watch. He told her there were matches and that they were posted on the school’s athletics website. The short one added that they were on their way to a house party and that he should come. 

Lucas smiled. He’d love to come.

The party was in a complexed that housed several sororities. He’d been there many times. Though the night was cool and the streets were streaked with rain, girls tottered around on heels wearing tiny skirts and shrunken tops. He can hear loud music thumping, nothing he particularly likes. Not that it matters. Soon he’d be drunk enough to dance to anything. 

He pounded four beers and almost twice as many shots, while flirting with both girls. They were equally pretty and he really didn’t have much preference for what he liked. Hot was the main criteria. By his fifth beer, he was making out with the short girl in the pantry area between the kitchen and the side door to the yard. As she smeared her lip gloss all over his neck, the combination of lager and Crown Royal in his belly was making the room spin. Lucas stepped back and managed to stagger outside in time to heave into some bushes. 

He was such a fuckup.

He wasn’t having fun anymore. The alcohol, the attention, it only provided temporary relief from the reality of who he was. A fucking fuckup. 

“That’s alright man,” a guy said, handing Lucas an unopened can of beer. “Get it out and rally for more!” 

Lucas leaned against the wall, cracked open the beer and took a long drink.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” the guy said, clapping him on the shoulder before going back into the building. 

Lucas made his way across the lawn, through the gate, and into the alley. He took another swig of beer before throwing the can into some trees. It wasn’t raining but this city often felt like it had just rained or was about to rain. Everything was damp, including his left sleeve and the front of his sweater. He started walking home in the mist, regretting everything that he’d said and done. 

He was drunk but not drunk enough to lose his wallet, so he retrieved his keycard and let himself into the building. The lobby was bright, annoyingly so, but the elevator was already on the ground floor so he didn’t have to wait for it. He punched the button for floor ten and rode it until the doors opened. He stepped out and made a right turn.

The door to Kun’s room was still closed, but as he came closer, he could hear music. It was faint, but it was there. Live music, not a recording. Lucas pressed his ear to the wall, listening, his eyes floating shut. The music sounded good, like a place he desperately wanted to be. Lost in song. Music was the one thing that could make him feel better, when drinks, women, nothing else did. He wished he had a fraction of the talent Kun possessed. 

But he was a fuckup. A mess. He dragged himself along the wall for a few steps, in the direction of his own room. He was alone. He was always alone. A foreigner. An entire ocean between where he was and where he’d been born. Everything was fucked up at home too. The city, his family, he felt like he didn’t know where home was anymore. He always tried to avoid these thoughts, kept himself too busy to feel anything. 

He tried to make his friends laugh, be the life of the party. But he fucked that up too. He couldn’t get it up with the bottle blonde he’d brought back to his room and he’d drank too much to go home with the short girl he’d met tonight. He’d failed his statistics midterm. At the rate he was going, swimming would be next. He’d slipped down to fourth place this week. 

The elevator dinged. Lucas watched as a guy turned right and walked towards him, carrying a bottle of wine. Something about the way he moved reminded him of a cat. The guy stopped in front of Kun’s apartment and gave Lucas a peculiar look, admiring yet uncertain. His feline eyes slid from Lucas back to the door and he knocked twice. Lucas moved away, but listened for shreds of conversation behind him. He could hear Kun’s warm greeting and the catguy saying he’s sorry it took so long to get here.

Lucas found his room, mashed the code into the door handle and barreled inside. He dropped his damp jacket and peeled off his remaining layers of clothing, leaving them wherever they landed. He went to the washroom, turned on the shower, and stepped inside. 

He pressed his head against the tile, letting the hot water trickle all over his tired, naked body. He couldn’t go on being a mess. It was well past time to get his life sorted. 

********

Returning home from a strong swim practice, Lucas felt better than he had all week. He’d managed to reclaim his number two spot on the team overall and rank number one in butterfly. He was bouncing back. Now he just had to study hard and retrieve his statistics grade from the bottom of the sea. 

He was ready to do it. He’d showered, dried his hair, and tossed the hood of his sweatshirt over it as he briskly walked to the student centre. He bought a vegan protein pack from the student run cafe and jogged back to his building. He’d already hit the gym before practice, met his macros all week, and hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol. Tomorrow, he had a makeup exam for his failed midterm. If he did well, it would bring his grade up to passing and the semester could still be salvaged.

He snacked on his pita bread, cucumber, and roasted chickpeas as he readied his notes to study. The desk was too small for him, so he brought his laptop over to the bed and sat in front of it, with his legs dangling over the sides. He checked his email and there was a new message from his mom. It said that she wouldn’t be able to talk this weekend because she was travelling back to Thailand, but that she wished him well and wanted him to study hard. She was looking forward to seeing him over winter break and they would eat many delicious things together. 

Her message was short and sweet, but it made him miss her more than ever. He missed his grandparents too. They didn’t use computers, so if he wanted to communicate with them, he had to schedule a call or, better yet, go visit them in person, which he’d done for a week this past summer. Winter break was coming up and he’d planned to spend part of it with his family, which would be the only time he would see them until graduation. Even though he was an adult and would soon finish university and start a career, he still enjoyed being taken care of. It made him feel loved, despite all his screwups.

Lucas tucked his headphones into his ears and logged into his statistics class site. He would write back to his mom tomorrow after he passed his exam, so he would have something good to share. For now, he needed to study. On a whim, he sent a message to Kun, saying that he’d listened to Dream With You so much that it was probably with him in his dreams. Then he asked if he had any other music to share that might help him study for his upcoming exam.

The response came about forty minutes later. The message was simply a link, which opened to three downloadable files under the title - Lucas Gets An A. It made him smile wider than anything else that happened this week. He played them on repeat.

********

It was late and still raining as Lucas stared outside. There was nothing to see but a blue-black sky, a shadow that he knew from memory to be a tree, and the streaks of water that ran down the window. He’d been studying for what felt like ages, first on his own and for the last two hours with YangYang. He hoped it would be good enough to get him a passing grade on the makeup exam. 

They weren’t joined by DJ this time. He’d found himself a girlfriend so he spent more time with her than them. Lucas didn’t mind, but he couldn’t understand why DJ would want to settle down in his last year of university. They should be living it up, not getting cuffed. Not that he was living it up exactly, poring over practice test questions with YangYang again. 

His stomach growled, loudly, so he pretended to collapse on the table, weak from starvation. “I knew I should have eaten more than that vegan protein pack earlier,” Lucas lamented. 

“You’re vegan now?” YangYang asked.

“I’m so _hungry_ now and everything is closed.” 

“You don’t have any food in your room?”

Lucas thought about it for a moment. “If some protein bars and an almost empty jar of peanut butter count as food.”

“You’re doing better than me. All I’ve got are a packet of half eaten Cheezies and maybe one red bean bun.” 

Lucas checked his phone. “The grocery store is only open for fifteen more minutes. We’ll never make it.”

YangYang tapped his mechanical pencil on the table and shook his hair away from his eyes. “Vending machines? Or we could order a pizza.”

Lucas gave him a serious look. “I don’t want to blow my macros until after the exam. Besides, we can never agree on toppings. Everything you like is weird.” 

“Hey, pineapple belongs on pizza. It’s not weird, it’s delicious.”

“It’s weird.”

“You’re weird.” 

“No, you are.” 

“It’s good,” YangYang nodded. “Tastes kinda like Toast Hawaii. You liked that when I made it for you.” 

Lucas wrinkled his nose. “I was being polite. It’s the only thing you know how to make.” 

“And you’ve never cooked me anything but a microwaved protein bar. Which is weird.”

“It’s not weird. I keep them in the freezer. So then I heat them up and it makes the chocolate taste even sweeter.” 

YangYang rolled his eyes. “Weird.”

“Not weirder than pineapple on pizza and Hawaii toast,” Lucas retorted. He sat up and stretched, just in time to see Kun walk into the common room wearing a big black hoodie, black pyjama pants, chunky sneakers, and round wire glasses.

Lucas grinned immediately and waved him over. 

“Hey,” Kun said, a soft smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. 

“Hey, we need you to settle a debate for us."

“Okay,” Kun replied, glancing back and forth between them. 

“It’s about pizza,” YangYang added. 

“Pineapple or no pineapple?” Lucas asked. 

Kun held up both palms and shrugged. “Pizza isn’t really my thing. I don’t eat dairy.” 

“What?!” YangYang exclaimed. “Are you vegan too?”

“I’m not vegan,” Lucas glared at him, playfully. “And even if I were, there would be nothing wrong with that.”

“So why don’t you eat dairy?” YangYang asked, looking up at Kun with fascination. 

“It’s not good for my voice," Kun replied, "plus it's weird."

“You’re not helping,” Lucas groaned.

Kun laughed and plunged his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. “Okay, okay, um, I like pineapple.

Lucas slapped both hands on the table. “Damn it.”

“Yeah!” YangYang raised both fists into the air and waved his arms around.

“I like pineapple too. Just not on pizza!” Lucas insisted.

“Baby,” YangYang said, darting his tongue out and continuing his celebration dance. “You don’t like mint chocolate ice cream either.”

Lucas’ eyes widened in mock horror. “It tastes like toothpaste!”

They both looked at Kun.

“I’ve never had it,” he laughed. “I try not to eat ice cream.”

A second growl made Lucas clutch his stomach and lower his face in embarrassment. 

“Um, I was just cooking dinner, so if you’re hungry...” Kun said. 

Lucas resumed his wide, happy smile and nodded eagerly. “Yes, please!” 

“And me?” YangYang asked, practically levitating in his seat.

“Sure, there’s plenty of food. I always make too much.”

Kun's dinner was delicious, rice with chicken and vegetables in black bean sauce. Lucas hadn’t enjoyed a good home-cooked meal since summer. They ate in the common room and YangYang bought everyone a drink from the vending machines. 

“This was really good,” Lucas said, as he scooped the last bite from his bowl. “Pretty healthy too. It’s good you stay away from pizza and ice cream because you should eat like this and spend more time in the gym. Do you even go? I’m there all the time but I’ve never seen you.”

Something hit his shin and from the look on YangYang’s face, it must have been his foot. Lucas chewed and swallowed, unsure of what to say to break the awkward silence that was spreading across the table. Whatever he said would probably just make it worse, so he nudged YangYang’s ankle with his shoe, hoping he would speak up. 

“We go pretty often. Lucas because he trains for swimming, but DJ and I go too. I get in some cardio. He lifts. Sometimes we play basketball.”

Kun leaned back in his chair and glanced around the room, his discomfort obvious on his soft face. “I don’t…the gym isn’t really…I mean I know I should, but I can’t seem to get into the habit. I’ve never been very good at sports.”

“It’s okay,” Lucas said, attempting to remove the foot he’d firmly stuck in his mouth. “I wasn’t trying to say you should change or that there’s anything wrong with the way you are.” He picked up his cold oolong tea, but before he could take a sip, added, “you’re cute.”

He saw YangYang’s eyebrows raise. Okay, he was the weird one. Not that there was anything wrong with a man acknowledging another man's appearance. It just wasn’t exactly something he and his friends did. So it made the atmosphere even more awkward. He tipped his head back and poured tea into his mouth. Under half closed lids, his eyes stealthily found Kun.

He didn’t lie. The guy had a good face. Handsome even. So he decided to double down. 

“He looks like the type of guy a girl’s parents would welcome, doesn’t he?” Lucas asked YangYang. Without waiting for an answer, he continued. “He can cook well, sing well, is an amazing musician, great smile. Girls probably call you husband material, don’t they?” Lucas joked.

Their mutual embarrassment eased as Kun looked at him and smirked. “I’m not interested in marriage,” he said, “I have music and speaking of music, I’d better get back to it.”

  
********

Lucas passed his midterm. The score on the second test was good enough to keep him afloat in his statistics class. It was a huge relief and he wanted to celebrate his good mood. But DJ was with his girlfriend and YangYang was busy livestreaming some gaming tournament. Lucas wasn’t sure if he was playing in it or just watching it. All he knew was that he’d been good all week and now he wanted to get out and have some fun. 

He checked the swim team group chat and saw that some of the guys were planning to go out to a few clubs downtown. It was an hourlong ride on the bus, but considerable cheaper than calling a ride, even split amongst the six of them, so they met up at the bus stop, looking too good to be standing outside in the rain. 

Vancouver clubs had nothing on the hundreds of bars, clubs, and restaurants that were within a single walking district in Hong Kong. It was a much smaller city, of course, and it wasn’t exactly famous for its nightlife. But there were a number of okay spots scattered across a fairly walkable stretch and Lucas knew how to have a good time wherever he went. They had a drink at two different places before they anchored themselves in the third. A few of the guys had found women to flirt with and, well, women wanted to flirt with Lucas wherever he went. 

He’d been cornered by two tall, thick ladies wearing heavy makeup and stylish clothes. They had thick accents, which he learned was due to their Mongolian mother tongue. Both ladies were interested in him and since they couldn’t decide who should have him, they wanted to enjoy him together. 

Lucas was no stranger to threesomes. He liked to flirt and make people happy and if there happened to be more than one woman, then they could have double the fun. But it was also double the pressure. And with the way he’d been feeling lately, he wasn’t sure he would be up for it. He didn’t have any trouble getting it up when he was alone, but the last few times he’d tried with women, hadn’t worked out the way he’d wanted. It was bad enough embarrassing himself in front of one person. He didn’t need for it to happen in front of two. 

So he thanked them for their offer and declined. He was tired from pushing himself so hard this week. He’d studied harder than ever before and earned back his second place spot on the swim team. Now he wanted to go for first, prove that he could be the best at something. He was on a roll, having a good week, so he didn’t want to ruin what momentum he’d been building. He was trying to get his shit together. And that included sorting out whatever was going on with his dick.

He caught a bus back to campus alone and mostly sober. As usual, the bus was crowded. He walked towards the back, looking for a place to sit, and was surprised to see a familiar face.

“I almost didn’t recognise you without glasses,” Lucas said, sliding into the empty seat next to Kun. 

“Hey! What’s going on?” Kun said, cheeks rounding with that soft smile Lucas had come to recognise as distinctly his. 

He looked different without glasses, in a good way, more confident somehow.

“Not much. Went out for drinks with a few guys from swim team. How about you?” Lucas responded.

“I was at a show. A singer I really like is in town so I watched him perform.”

“Alone?” Lucas asked. 

Kun shrugged. “My friends are all working or busy, so I don’t mind going alone.”

“You can always invite me,” Lucas smiled. “I love checking out new music. Who’d you see?”

They talked for the rest of the long ride back to campus, the short walk to their building, and the elevator ride up to their floor. When they reached Kun’s door, Lucas was still talking, lingering like he was waiting to be invited inside. So Kun asked him if he wanted some wine. 

Kun’s apartment felt serene, sophisticated. Lucas made himself comfortable on the sofa while Kun selected some music, atmospheric Pop-R&B from an artist that he actually knew. The living room was softly lit by several white lamps in modern shapes. He lit a large vanilla candle and poured red wine into real, stemmed glasses.

“Thank you,” Lucas said, accepting a glass. “What kind of wine is this?” 

“Bordeaux,” Kun replied. 

“My favourite,” Lucas smiled. 

Kun laughed. It was obvious that Lucas knew nothing about wine, but he humoured him anyway. Lucas watched as Kun retrieved a thick cardigan sweater from the closet by the door, shrugged himself into it and curled up in a chair with his glass of wine. He recognised the sweater as the camel coloured one he’d worn before. It looked good on him. 

“Did you play this because you thought I would know it?” Lucas asked, stretching his long legs across the sofa cushions.

“No,” Kun smiled, propping his chin up with his hand. His sleeves were long enough to cover most of his fingers. ”I picked it because I thought you would like it.”

“Wow,” Lucas nodded. “You were right. If I knew everything about music, I would try to impress people by playing the most rare and complicated stuff I could find.” 

“I don’t know everything about music,” Kun laughed.

“You know more than most, more than me, and I love music. My favourite thing to do is listen to music.” Lucas sipped his wine. “It goes beyond language, you know? Even if you don’t understand the words. I used to listen to music in English before I really knew English, but, like, I could still understand the feeling.” 

Kun nodded slowly. He brought his wine glass to his lips, hiding his smile behind it. 

“What?” Lucas asked. 

“Nothing.”

“Come on, what?”

“I agree. I mean, that’s what I want to do through music. Make something people can connect with.”

“You do,” Lucas said. “I listened to the tracks you sent me over and over while I studied for my exam. If I could listen during my exam, I would have. Your music makes me feel…” Lucas paused, stuck on the last word. 

Music made him feel. He tried so hard to shut his feelings out, through heavy drinking and casual sex. He didn’t want any emotional attachments because they would only result in pain, fighting, separation, isolation. Music was the only space he allowed himself to feel. 

Suddenly, he became very aware of Kun’s eyes gently watching him. “Relaxed,” he added, hastily. “It’s very chill. And I can listen to it when I study.” 

“How’d your exam go, by the way?” Kun asked, smoothly steering the conversation to another topic. 

“I passed,” Lucas grinned. 

“Congratulations!” Kun held up his glass for a toast. They clinked glasses and drained their wine. When he leaned forward to pour some more, Lucas noticed a faint flush to his cheeks, illuminated by the soft, golden glow of the candle.

"Cute," he whispered in Cantonese.

“What?” Kun asked.

“What?” Lucas echoed, eyes wide, just as confused. He wasn't sure why he said that.

“You’re staring. Do I have wine on my lips?” Kun’s tongue darted out, sweeping across his lower lip. 

“Uh…uh…” Lucas blinked a couple times and looked away. “No, you’re all good.”

The conversation continued late into the night, flowing from one topic to another with few pauses and none of the backhanded compliments that Lucas tended to unwittingly give. Instead, he talked about school what a struggle it had always been for him and what his hopes for the future were. Kun listened attentively, asking thoughtful questions and offering sage advice. 

Though he was only a few years older, he seemed so steady, so sure of himself and what he wanted to do in life. Lucas wished he felt that way. Though he was outwardly confident, he still wasn’t sure about his path, about moving back to Hong Kong after graduation, or about what he’d do with his degree. He felt like life was just a series of accomplishments, without room to wander and figure out what he was really meant for. He envied Kun, for knowing, right away, that music was his reason for being. 

They finished the bottle before they’d finished talking, so Kun made a pot of tea from herbs grown by a nearby Indigenous community garden. Lucas wasn’t sure whether it was the wine or the tea or the company that had him going so deep. Usually he was the fun guy, the one who made everybody laugh. He rarely talked about his emotions. Yet here he was, having the kind of conversation that he avoided having with his friends. 

He asked Kun lots of questions about making music, about what composing was like and how he wrote lyrics. He learned that Kun was a resident advisor because it gave him free housing. He’d been living with his parents, almost an hour’s drive across town, and used to fall asleep in the music studios so often that he’d wind up not going home, so he could work more. 

From a young age, he had been well trained in piano, but he’d chosen to go his own way with the type of music he made. There weren’t a lot of people who looked like him, finding success in the big American music market. But he wasn’t exactly comfortable trying to chase his dream in China. He’d never even lived there. Even though he played with Chinese instruments and sounds, his lyrics were in English. So he stayed in school, as a sort of middle ground that kept his parents satisfied that he was taking this seriously, and giving himself time to figure out where he could go. 

Lucas could relate to that. It seemed silly to be expected to have their lives all figured out within four years. They were still getting to know themselves. 

“You know,” Lucas said, covering his mouth as he yawned. “I thought I was gonna hate living next door to the RA. You seemed so serious, when I met you on move-in day. But you’re not like how I expected…” the words drifted away from him as the gravity of sleep tugged at him. 

“Oh? So how am I?” Kun asked, his voice hushed and close. 

Lucas felt something warm cover his body. He wanted to open his eyes but they were too heavy. He flexed his fingers and felt the softness of a blanket. 

_Like me._

The words never made it past his lips before he succumbed to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The scent of coffee and maple syrup aroused Lucas from a deep and comfortable sleep. When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see that he was looking at the living room of Kun’s apartment. He must have been really tired after a week of intensive study and swimming, so tired that he didn’t even make it back to his own bed. He released his grasp on the throw pillow between his arms, blinked a few times, sat up, and stretched.

“Morning,” Kun said. 

Lucas glanced over to see him standing in the kitchen, wearing a soft orange sweater, presiding over a stack of waffles. “Are you…making breakfast?”

“Yeah,” Kun nodded. “I hope you like waffles.

“Like waffles?” Lucas stood and padded towards the kitchen. He put his hands on the counter and leaned forward to watch Kun spear a fresh waffle from the hot press. “Who doesn’t like waffles? 

“No one I know,” Kun replied, “but since you don’t like pineapple pizza or mint chocolate, I thought you might not care for sweet things.” 

“I love sweet things,” Lucas said. 

Kun glanced up at him, dimples appearing in both cheeks as he smiled. They weren’t always visible, Lucas realised. They belonged to a particular smile and he wondered what it meant. 

“Good, then I hope you like persimmons. Would you bring these over to the table for me?” Kun asked, turning around to retrieve a dish of perfectly sliced fruit. 

Lucas stared at it in awe. His breakfasts usually consisted of a scrambled egg sandwich, a protein bar, or a pineapple bun he picked up on the way to class. “Did you cook these too?”

“I poached them with a little orange juice and ginger.”

“Poached?” Lucas had never poached anything in his life.

“Yeah,” Kun grabbed two smaller dishes and set them on the counter with a couple spoons. “Bring these as well. Breakfast should be ready in about three minutes.”

Lucas did as he was told, carrying the dish of persimmons to the table and returning for the spoons and small dishes of toasted nuts and the red thingies that come inside of pomegranates.

“What kind are these?” he asked, pointing at the nuts. 

“Pecans.”

“And these? Do they have a name in English?” Lucas pointed at the juicy little red globes.

“Pomegranate arils. That one I only know from a cooking video I watched. I think most people just call them seeds.”

Lucas grinned. “Didn’t I say you were husband material?”

Kun smiled his dimpled smile again. Lucas felt a small burst of pride at being able to bring it back. He enjoyed making people smile, even considered it a minor talent.

“Go wash up so we can eat,” Kun told him. 

When Lucas returned from the washroom, fresh faced and with his hair looking somewhat less tangled, the table was set with a pile of crisp, golden waffles, fruit, nuts, a small pot of warm maple syrup, and an hourglass shaped vessel of fresh coffee.

“This looks amazing,” Lucas said, taking a seat, eyes already feasting. “Thank you.”

“I usually do something like this every weekend, if I have time. Oh, I almost forgot you like milk with your coffee.” Kun started to get up, but Lucas stopped him with a hand on his wrist.

“I can get it.” 

Lucas went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. It was nicely organised with vegetables and meats in their drawers, neatly stacked storage containers stuffed with foods, and an array of Chinese and North American condiments lining the door. He retrieved the carton of oat milk from the top shelf. 

“Your refrigerator looks so adult.” Lucas reported, taking his seat and pouring a large dose of milk into his coffee. 

“You say that like you found sex toys in there,” Kun replied.

Lucas choked on his coffee. He stared at Kun with wide eyes and a shocked expression, as if his innocence had just been shattered. 

Kun laughed, silently. “It was a joke. I’m not that funny, but sometimes I try.”

“No, I shouldn’t act so surprised. I mean, the music you make, it’s…”

Kun pushed a slice of waffle into his mouth and looked at him.

“Sexy,” Lucas finished. 

Something fluttered inside him. Hunger. Breakfast was calling, so he picked up his knife and fork and plowed into his meal. It was delicious. As he ate, he couldn’t help wondering about something. Did people really put sex toys in the refrigerator? Was that a thing he should know about?

After breakfast, Lucas helped clean up and then went back to his room full and happy. It had been a good week. Now, if only he could make it last. 

  
********

  
After his successful makeup midterm, Lucas was determined not to let himself slide back into bad habits. So he kept himself busy at the gym, sometimes with DJ and his girlfriend, Malia, who was a damn good lifter herself. Even though he wasn’t the relationship type, he kinda envied them. 

They were really sweet together, always finishing each other’s food, giving each other back rubs, going grocery shopping, and laughing over inside jokes. Lucas had never really been in a relationship, not one that lasted longer than a month or two. He told himself that he was too young to stick with just one person. He wanted to explore more of what life had to offer. 

But sometimes, when he went to sleep hugging his pillow, he thought about what it would feel like to hold another person instead. He never let women spend the night in his room and he never stayed the night in theirs. He didn’t keep spare toothbrushes for anyone or tell them about his rough day. He didn’t daydream about about finding his match. So he didn’t have anyone to disappoint. 

Today, Lucas worked out alone. He’d swam in the morning, attended two classes, did some homework, and then put in some time working on his deadlift. He wasn’t particularly sweaty, so he skipped the shower, figuring he would take a more comfortable one when he got home. He was hungry on the way back to his room, so he decided to pickup an early dinner.

He frequented a Thai restaurant on campus. They served one of his favourite dishes, a thin yellow curry with boiled and crispy noodles, chicken, coconut milk, and lots of fragrant toppings. It was pretty good, but not as good as his mom’s food. There was something about a home-cooked meal that just felt special and, for someone who lived on takeout and instant meals, he appreciated every chance he got to eat real, home-cooked food. So when he reached the counter, he ordered his dish and another one too, green papaya salad that he would take to Kun. Since Kun had fed him twice now, he figured it was time to return the favour. He knew that Kun had an RA shift tonight, so he would be in his room and probably hadn’t made dinner yet. 

The door was open, when he reached Kun’s apartment. He knocked and was waved inside. Kun was sitting at the desk, headphones on, clicking at a screen full of lines and bars that Lucas didn’t understand. 

“Hey! I hope you’re hungry. I brought dinner,” Lucas said, holding up the bag of food. 

“What?” Kun asked, removing his headphones.

“Oh, I said I brought you dinner.” 

“I heard you,” Kun smiled. “What is this for?”

“Well, you’ve been feeding me, so now it’s my turn to feed you.” 

“Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. But I wanted to. You’re working tonight, so now cooking is one less thing you have to do,” Lucas said. He placed the paper bag on the table and then unzipped his hoodie, removing it and draping it across the back of a chair.

“But I like cooking,” Kun said, walking over to the kitchen to grab bowls and a jar of utensils. 

“I like your cooking too,” Lucas replied, “so you're welcome to feed me anytime.”

He followed Kun into the narrow kitchen, squeezing past him to reach for a glass from the dish rack on the counter. Their shoulders brushed as Kun turned around just as Lucas leaned in.

Kun tensed.

“Sorry, do I smell?” Lucas asked. “I was at the gym and usually I shower but I was gonna do that at home and then I stopped to get food.”

“No,” Kun shook his head. His eyes flicked from Lucas’ chest to his face and then down to the floor. “You’re fine.”

“Is it cool if I get some water?” 

“Of course.”

They sat down at the table and Lucas opened the container of papaya salad. “Do you like Thai food?”

“Yeah, I mean, I’ve only had the usual stuff, noodles, curry. What is this called?” 

“Somtam. It’s really good,” he slid the container towards Kun, who selected a fork and scooped some of the shredded unripe fruit into his bowl.

“Mmm, it's so good,” Kun agreed. 

Lucas opened his own container and spooned some into his bowl, dressing it with the crispy noodles and bits of lime, shallot, and chiles. 

“So how did your exam go?"

Lucas put down his spoon and smiled from ear to ear. "I passed."

Kun returned the smile. "Ah, I knew you would. You worked hard. But you always work hard."

"I wish it showed in my marks," Lucas lamented.

"Your efforts are proof enough and that's what will take you far, the fact that you don't stop trying."

"I hadn't really thought about it this way."

"Balancing sports and school, especially with a science major, I'd be exhausted all the time, but you're always so energetic. How's swim team, by the way? Is there a match this weekend?”

“A meet,” Lucas said, “yeah, on Saturday afternoon. You should come. I mean, if you want to. I know you’re not really into sports, so no pressure.” 

He knew swimming wasn’t exactly a popular spectator sport. It was probably boring to watch, sitting high on some bleachers, in a very humid room, looking for shadows moving underwater. Groups of girls went to look at guys in tiny swimsuits, but his friends never went, unless it was a championship cup.

“This Saturday? I have plans. But I’ll try to catch the next one.” 

“Sure, no worries. So, what do you have going on?” 

“I was hired do some production work for a local group. I’ll be editing all weekend.”

“Really?” Lucas smiled. “Congratulations.”

“It’s not a big deal.” 

“Then I’ll hype you up for a small deal,” Lucas replied. “Amazing. Outstanding. Excellence.” He racked his brain for fancier English words. “Exceptional. Wonderful. Bad Ass.” 

Kun laughed and Lucas felt the warmth of satisfaction that came from making people happy.

“Seriously, I love this. What’s it called again?”

“Som. Tam,” Lucas spoke the syllables slowly. “My mom’s from Thailand and she used to make it when I was a kid.”

“What else does she cook for you when you go back to Hong Kong?”

Lucas shrugged. “Not much. My parents divorced three years ago and she lives with her boyfriend now. My little brother is still in high school and lives with our dad. So things aren’t like they used to be. We don’t really have family dinners anymore.”

“Sounds like you miss it.”

“Yeah. I never really paid attention when she tried to show me things in the kitchen, so now I can barely scramble eggs,” Lucas chuckled. 

“I can teach you some dishes. If you want to learn,” Kun offered. 

“Really?” Lucas smiled, broadly. 

“Sure, I can show you how to make your first, full home-cooked meal.”

“Yeah, let’s do it. Whenever you want. I mean, whenever you’re free.”

“Okay, after I finish this editing project, we’ll pick a night and plan a menu. It’ll be fun, I promise.”

Lucas felt good. He was gonna learn to cook something, like an actual adult. This was progress on the path towards becoming less of a screwup. 

“Here, try this,” he said, scooping up a perfect bite of noodles, chicken, and sauce. He held it up for Kun to eat. 

Kun looked at the spoon and then at Lucas. 

“Or you can dip your spoon into my bowl, it doesn’t matter to me,” Lucas said, “just try it.”

Kun leaned over and accepted the bite, closing his eyes as he savoured it. “Oh, this is good too. What’s it called?”

“Khao soi. This is one of my favourites too.”   
  
They finished their meals and continued to talk until a student showed up with a complaint about a weird smell. Lucas took that as a sign he should finally go take his shower. So he cleaned up while Kun was talking to the student and then went back to his room. 

After a long, hot shower, he checked his phone and had a message from a girl in his nutrition class. They’d worked together on a group project earlier in the semester and she was wondering if he wanted to come over and study. She was very pretty, very fit, and very interested. But it wasn’t enough to get Lucas motivated. So he lounged on his bed, searching on his laptop for dishes he wanted to learn to cook. 

********

Lucas earned the fastest times in both butterfly and backstroke, lifting him into a tie, with Eric Smith, as the top ranked swimmer on the team. He posted victory photos from the meet, which gathered hundreds of likes, mostly from strangers who followed him for his nearly naked swim shots and modelling pictures. This time his friends liked the post, including his newest friend Kun. 

In these photos he was fully clothed in a pair of joggers and his university swim jacket, wearing his medals. So it felt like he was being appreciated for his accomplishment, rather than his body or his face. Not that he minded being appreciated for those things too. He worked hard on his body and was happy with it. But he was more than that and he wanted people to see that he had other things to offer. Still, pretty problems weren’t exactly the kind of thing people wanted to hear about. So he kept it to himself.

To celebrate, he and his friends took edibles and went to the beach. The weather was cool but dry so they made a bonfire and talked and laughed and played music. Malia brought one of her friends, Halle, a third culture kid, who seemed to have everything in common with YangYang. This essentially made Lucas the fifth wheel, which he didn’t really mind. But if both of his closest friends got into relationships, then they might start trying to set him up and he just wasn’t a relationship type of guy. 

But he liked affection. He liked it a lot. So he made a big, goofy display of stealing his best friends back from the girls, tossing his arms around them and squeezing them into his chest. Everyone laughed. It made Lucas feel less alone. 

As the night deepened, the couples grew closer, cuddling under blankets. Lucas gave up trying to entertain them. It was getting too cold to stay outside, so they packed up and put the fire out. When he got back to his floor, it was noisy. The sound curfew was late on the weekends, so he could hear laughter and loud music as soon as he stepped off the elevator. He walked past Kun’s apartment, skimming the wall as he listened for music inside. It was quiet. 

He took a quick shower, rinsing any sand away, and dressed in a soft, worn tee shirt and a pair of sweats. He set up a movie on his laptop, something in his first language, so he wouldn’t have to think and climbed into bed. He checked his phone for the hundredth time that day and saw that Kun had just posted a video. 

Lucas tapped it and watched the camera focus on panels and screens, equipment he knew nothing about. A candle burned next to a glass of wine and a slow, soulful track began to play. A caption said - another late night in the studio. The studio was tagged, as well as a name that Lucas assumed was the group Kun was working with. The camera rotated to show him, wearing an orange hoodie, flashing a peace sign.

The video ended abruptly, so Lucas played it again, nodding his head to the music and smiling when Kun’s face appeared. He sent a message, saying he can’t wait to hear the song he’s working on. Kun responded ten minutes later, saying that it was still top secret and if he played it for him, he’d have to kill him. Then he asked how the swim meet went. Lucas wrote back immediately and they bantered until Kun insisted that he had to finish this round of edits or he would fall asleep in the studio. Lucas wished him goodnight and then restarted his movie because he’d missed nearly an hour of it. 

  
********

Now that DJ and YangYang both had girlfriends, Lucas barely got to spend much time with them - guy only time. He worked out, swam, and studied on repeat, by himself, until they were finally all free on the same night. The three of them were crowded into DJ’s room, talking about dinner. They wanted to eat something delicious, but as usual, DJ was being picky, complaining that the restaurants on campus weren’t that good and that the Chinese food in Canada was too sweet. YangYang was trying to talk them into trying some Scandinavian fusion place, which DJ said sounded too strange. 

Lucas didn’t have much to offer in restaurant recommendations. He usually went to the same places. But he did know someone who knew a lot about food and was actually from the city, so he would probably know the best places to eat. He messaged Kun, asking for a hot pot recommendation. They’d been messaging a lot lately, mostly about food and music. Since Kun had been working on his side job, Lucas hadn’t seen him around much. 

Kun replied, telling him that the good places were far from campus. He gave the names of two restaurants, but when Lucas looked them up, he saw that they would each take over an hour to reach by bus and none of them drove. He was about to suggest a place in a closer neighbourhood, when Kun messaged him again, asking if he needed a ride.

Lucas happily sat in the front seat of Kun’s Mazda3, sliding his seat back to make room for his legs. DJ complained but Lucas told him to deal with it or take the bus. The drive to the restaurant took less than half the time they would have spent on the bus. In part because Kun was a fast driver. 

Lucas didn’t even have a license, so he was impressed with Kun’s ability to operate the six-speed manual transmission, weaving around the traffic with a swift rhythm and tight control. The restaurant was in the neighbourhood where he grew up and he was planning to meet with a friend who lived nearby, so he offered to drive the guys out and join them for dinner. 

When they reached the restaurant, it was busy, but their table was ready. Kun’s friend had already arrived. It was the catguy, from that drunken night in the hallway. He greeted them warmly, giving Lucas a lingering gaze. His name was in Thai, which was complicated for Canadians to pronounce, so he went by an English nickname - Ten. 

While Lucas didn’t speak much Thai, his pronunciation was decent, so he asked for the full version of his name. He repeated it, nailing the long string of syllables, earning him praise and a big smile. He explained that he didn’t know much of the language, just a few things he’d learned from his mom and their travels back to her hometown. 

The food was delicious. Lucas ate eagerly, listening to Ten talk about his work as a professional dancer. He’d appeared in local productions, television, movies, travelled frequently on international tours with super famous pop stars. People kept telling him to move to New York or Los Angeles, but since he didn’t stay too long in any particular city, he kept an apartment in the place that was closest to home. His family had moved to Vancouver when he was eleven and Kun was the first friend he met here. He barely knew English back then, but they found a way to communicate through a shared love of music. 

As the conversation went on, Lucas started to notice some things, like how touchy-feely Ten was, frequently stroking Kun’s arm and patting his head after a weak joke. He told himself not to stereotype, that gestures and tone of voice weren’t enough to confirm someone’s sexuality. But sometimes they were clues, intentional signals. Any doubt was put to rest when Ten launched into a story about his ex-boyfriend, Hendery, a fairly popular stand-up comedian. Lucas had seen him at a comedy club before and would never have guessed was into men. 

A sudden question hit him like an ill-timed dive into cold waters. Was Kun also interested in men? Just because he was close with Ten didn’t mean he was. Gay and straight people could be friends. Half of the girls he knew were bisexual. It wouldn’t make a difference either way. But now Lucas was curious. He watched Kun, sitting across the table and over one seat, the way he moved, the way he talked, the way he smiled when Ten collapsed against his shoulder in laughter. Was there something between them? Something more than friendship? 

Lucas was sitting on the inside of their booth, next to DJ, while YangYang was on the end. He usually tried to sit on the end so he had room to stretch his legs to the side. Instead he could only stretch them forward, where he accidentally brushed Ten’s leg, drawing a side-eyed glance. DJ kept sending YangYang to fetch more sauces, so Lucas joined in by draining his plum juice, which made YangYang pout and cross his arms over his chest. Ten added to the teasing, calling him cute, and Kun just laughed and told them to stop bullying the youngest. 

When they finished eating, everyone filed outside, but Lucas had to use the washroom. When he came out of the restaurant, he saw Ten and Kun talking just beyond the doorway. They were both facing the opposite direction, watching DJ and YangYang play a round of rock paper scissors where the loser got smacked, but he could hear them talking. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were bringing someone so fucking hot to dinner?” Ten asked.

“Lucas?” Kun responded.

“Yes, he’s like a god. Mmm, the things I would do for him on my knees. Wait, are you two...”

“No, he’s not into guys.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“No.”

“Then he might be into me. Just give me…”

“Forget about it," Kun interrupted, "he likes women. _A lot_."

Ten turned and whispered something into his ear, that Lucas couldn’t hear. Kun scoffed and shoved him away. Ten’s laughter echoed down the street. 

“Hey,” Lucas stepped onto the sidewalk, a big smile plastered on his face, pretending he hadn’t heard a word. “Ready to go?”

They all said goodbye. Ten squeezed Kun’s arm and told him to come over to his apartment soon, before he left town again. Lucas was quiet on the ride back to campus, which was okay because DJ and YangYang were chatting away. 

They parked in the garage beneath their residence building and took the elevator up to their respective floors. Lucas and Kun were alone for the last two flights. Silence followed them all the way to Kun’s door. Lucas paused there, wanting to diffuse any weirdness that might have been brewing in the quiet between them. 

“Thanks for driving us to dinner,” Lucas said. "It was really good."

“No problem,” Kun replied, summoning a hint of a smile. 

Lucas recognised his expressions well enough to know that something was missing and he blamed himself for making things awkward with his change of mood. “Your friend seems really cool. I’ll have to check him out in some music videos.” 

“Yeah,” Kun’s smile warmed. “He’s an amazing dancer and one of the best people I know.”

The statement hit in a way that Lucas didn’t quite like and he wasn’t sure why. Maybe he was just tired from all this healthy, wholesome living. Tired of school, tired of couples, tired of the semester. Winter break couldn’t come soon enough. 

“Alright, well, see ya,” Lucas said, backing away from Kun and turning to walk back to the elevator. It hadn't left their floor, so he stepped inside quickly. The liquor store on campus was still open and he had a taste for something strong. 

He scrolled through his contact list as he walked, skimming past girls’ names, until he stopped on one. Kiran. She was one of the few girls he’d been with more than once. She was rarely free, a double major in political science and psychology, applying to law school. But he figured he’d try his luck. She was petite with a fantastic body, nice ass, and she loved white wine and cheesecake, almost as much as she loved big dick. 

Fortunately, she was home alone and he was happy to stop by with all three. 


	4. Chapter 4

Lucas woke in the early afternoon, 12:05 to be exact, which meant he’d slept through his 11:00 class. His body ached, from overuse and lack of nourishment, and the alcohol he’d drank the night before. Even worse than the pain was the shame, a potent cocktail made of one part humiliation and two parts remorse.

It had happened again, like a curse. Soon it would become a rumour, if it hadn’t already. He was going to be known as Hot Lucas who couldn’t get it up. Although last night he’d been able to get it up, he couldn’t keep it up. Not without letting his mind wander. 

She’d been going down on him and it felt good, but not good enough to take him all the way. He was about to give up, endure the embarrassment yet again, until he closed his eyes and his brain began to flood with intrusive thoughts. He’d experienced them before, images that he pushed away, refusing to relent to what his body desired most. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t him. He wasn’t gay. 

Sometimes he had these thoughts, more like fantasies. He’d tried ignoring them, but they always returned. He’d tried indulging them a little, watching videos with two men together. It didn’t make him gay. 

He never checked out the guys on the swim team. If he found himself tempted, there was plenty of cold water to keep his body under control. He wouldn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. He didn’t act on his fantasies. He hadn’t even kissed a guy. He was just curious.

So he kept it a secret, something special he saved for when he was all alone, under the heat of the shower, in the privacy of his own room, only then did he dare to let his desires loose. Or when he needed some help making things work with a woman. His fantasies were usually faceless, just a blur of bodies in motion. But this time, all he could see was the person’s face. And it was the first time it had been anyone he knows. 

Lucas swallowed a few ibuprofen with an entire bottle of water. He ate a banana, followed by a protein bar, then put the kettle on for ramen. He had no intention of leaving his room, not even for food. He didn’t want to do anything or see anyone. 

He felt haunted by his own desire, not because it was wrong, but because of how real it seemed. The close-up image of Kun’s soft cheeks, plump mouth, pink tongue, had sent such a strong spike of lust throughout his entire body. Lucas could feel it even now, when he closed his eyes. 

It was easier to suppress when it was a stranger, some random visual his mind had conjured. He wasn’t sure what it meant, whether this was something he wanted, or whether it was merely a coincidence, his mind mingling different bits of information together. He’d met plenty of gay guys before, especially during shoots, other models, photographers, makeup artists, stylists, but this was the first time one had come so close, into his orbit. 

Maybe it was messing with his head. 

********

After a full day of moping, Lucas was ready to put on a happy face again. He didn’t have any classes on Fridays, so he went to swim practice, then stopped by a cafe for lunch and did a bit of research to prepare for a meeting with some classmates in the library. They were working on a group project for his anthropology course on food and culture. 

Lucas had partnered with two other students for a presentation on edible aphrodisiacs around the world. He had been surprised to learn that in ancient Mesoamerica, where chocolate originated, it wasn’t sweetened, but rather mixed with chiles and finely ground corn and sipped for its amorous powers. Chocolate contains tryptophan and phenylethylamine, two chemicals responsible for producing the feeling that people described as similar to falling in love. Lucas didn’t know anything about that feeling, but he liked chocolate so he offered to talk about it. 

One of his classmates, Edward Kim, was researching the history of red ginseng and exploring whether its use for aiding erectile function was fact or myth. Lucas hadn’t given it much thought in the classroom, but now he couldn’t help wondering if the guy was gay. He thought that he might be, but couldn’t exactly describe what was giving him that impression. Was it the way he talked? The way he moved? Were those stereotypes or signals he was noticing? 

When Edward unzipped his hoodie, revealing a tee shirt with the bright, smiling image of a world famous drag queen, Lucas figured his guess was probably correct. He was most likely into guys. And if Lucas was into guys, was this the kind of guy he liked? He sneaked a few glances at Edward, appraising his features, his body, his general vibe. He was short and slender, with a fine-boned face that nearly anyone would have described as pretty. But Lucas didn’t sense any particular draw towards him. It was similar to the way he could say that DJ was objectively good looking, but he’d never once been attracted to him. 

The meeting ended and Lucas stayed in the library to study a while longer. Night fell early in the north at this time of year. Despite having lived in Canada for three years, Lucas never got used to it. By late afternoon it was dark enough to need the lights on inside. Rain fell in steady sheets and the dim yellow flicker of the streetlamps left too many places unlit. Living here made him want to sleep from the early dusk until the late dawn. 

Instead of returning to his room and the warmth of his bed, he decided to fight his lethargy and put in some time at the gym. It wasn’t very busy. Most people were leaving campus after class or eating dinner, so only the most dedicated gym goers were present. This gave him plenty of space with the weights, as there were only two other guys around. 

Lucas knew better than to stare. Though he’d heard about gyms, especially in the West End, where guys went to look at other guys, the campus fitness centre wasn’t like that. He kept to himself, only peeking up occasionally, to glance at another guy in the mirror. This guy was shorter than him and more muscular by far. While Lucas had a long, lean, carved from swimming frame, this guy was clearly a bodybuilder. His thighs were massive and very defined. He probably waxed because there was no visible hair on him, unless it was hidden under his tiny shorts. Was he the type to meet another guy at the gym? Or was he the type to get offended by another guy checking him out at the gym? 

There was no denying that he had a great body. His face was okay. Lucas wasn’t sure if he was attracted to him. The guys in his fantasies were usually well toned but not necessarily beefy. He wasn’t particularly interested in slender and pretty either. What qualities did he like? 

He turned to look at his own reflection. He was tall with nice shoulders, a solid chest, and long legs. People really liked his face, his eyes, his smile. Even the fact that his ears stuck out a little gave him a certain playful charm. He was everybody’s type. 

But did he have a type? 

Lucas walked home along rainwashed streets, wondering why this had to be so difficult to figure out. Wasn’t attraction as simple as swiping left or right? What was it that made his mind want someone specific, instead of Kiran or Edward or some anonymous hookup from the gym?

Everything changed when he’d closed his eyes and saw Kun’s face in his fantasy. It was no longer just about the physical attraction. He’d been able to stash that away in a chamber, like a secret he kept under lock and key, only letting it roam within the private confines of his mind. What he desired wasn’t made of lust alone. This was different. 

Kun wasn’t exactly a pretty boy, nor did he have a super built body. He was kind of a nerd. But he was a music nerd, which was actually amazing. He was talented and smart, passionate and knowledgable. His songs gave Lucas solace, especially his sweet, soothing voice. He was a really good cook and kind-hearted, sharing his meals and driving Lucas and his friends all the way across town for dinner. He was good at so many things, except games, which he always lost, when they talked him into playing with them, in the common room. Still, even that was a charming point because of how cute he was when they teased him about it. 

But Kun was just a friend. Lucas had never been with anyone he would call a friend. In fact, he tried to avoid exactly that by keeping these areas of his life separate. Besides, he didn’t date guys. Or get into relationships. 

People who wanted him, solely saw one thing. He was arm candy. They called him Hot Lucas as if that was the only part of him that mattered. They weren’t actually interested in him. No one ever told him that he was smart or funny or any other quality besides good looking. Maybe he didn’t have much else to offer. 

The first girl he’d dated, back in Hong Kong, had told all her friends that she didn’t really like him. She’d just wanted to be seen with him. That wasn’t the sort of problem anyone wanted to hear. So he hid his feelings, always smiling for his friends, making them laugh, playing the peacemaker for his family, pretending everything was alright. 

Everyone assumed all he cared about was gazing at himself in the mirror and sleeping around. They weren’t entirely wrong. In some ways, he played into that image. Things were easier that way. It kept anyone from getting too close. 

That’s why a friend was just a friend, not the star of his private fantasies. He wouldn’t let it happen again. 

********

As promised, when Kun finished his music project he immediately made time to cook with Lucas. They planned meet on a Sunday afternoon to shop for the groceries, then return to his apartment for the lesson. They talked about what to make, considering Chinese, Canadian, even Mexican dishes, before settling on a meal. Kun already had most of the ingredients for seasoning, so they just had to agree on the meats and vegetables, which was easy because Kun let Lucas choose whatever he liked. 

Lucas selected mushrooms, lotus root, tofu skins, and quail eggs, along with potatoes, carrots, and celery. He treated Kun to a ginger ale and bought one for himself as well. He carried the bags to the car and then up to Kun’s apartment, feeling slightly nervous. There was no reason to be, he was simply making a meal with a friend. But now that he had a heightened awareness of his friend, as someone who liked men, everything felt a little different. He couldn’t help wondering if Kun liked him. Or if he had another type. Lucas shoved the thought out of his mind as quickly as it arose. He didn’t want to make things weird between them. 

They washed their hands and prepared the ingredients and tools. Mise en place, Kun called it. A phrase he’d learned from a cooking channel. It meant having things arranged and ready. Lucas wasn’t this organised. His room was somewhat messy and he always forgot things when he travelled. But he made the effort to follow Kun’s instructions. 

There was plenty of chopping to do, so Kun showed him how to hold a knife, how to protect his fingers, and how to make a few different cuts. He showed him different spices and seasonings, taking care to explain which ones matched well to the ingredients. Though he was good at sports, his dexterity didn’t carry over to his knife skills. The vegetables he chopped looked rough and uneven, compared to Kun’s. But Kun just smiled and assured him that it would still taste good, even if it wasn’t pretty. 

His smile was pretty. It wasn’t the first time Lucas had noticed. But now the image lingered in his mind, even after it was gone. He tried to focus his attention on cutting carrots into nice, even coins, despite the warmth spreading through his chest. This felt worse than what he’d envisioned to get himself up. 

Eyes were eyes and lips were lips, regardless of gender. He could justify that to himself. What he couldn’t justify was the way he felt, nervous and excited at the same time, whenever Kun’s smile beamed in his direction. Or how he thought about him almost every day. It had to be the music, turning him into some sort of swooning fanboy. 

Suddenly, Kun whined and dropped the knife he was holding to slice potatoes.

Lucas glanced over with concern, wondering if he’d cut himself. “Are you bleeding?”

“No,” Kun shook his left hand. “My wrist cramped. It’s been happening for a few days now. Probably because I’ve been spending too much time on the computer, editing music.” 

“Come here,” Lucas said, reaching for his wrist. He held it in both hands, supporting the outside, while placing his thumbs on the inside and gently massaging. “This will help relax the muscles and tissues. Do you feel any numbness?”

“A little,” Kun replied. 

“Tingling?” Lucas asked. 

“Yeah, but mostly pain.”

“Does it continue into your hand? Or into your arm?”

“Yes.”

“You may have some adhesions. Overuse is a common cause. The student health centre has a massage clinic that may be able to help. Some students from my program do work experience there.,” Lucas told him, continuing to send smooth, even strokes down his palm. Kun’s hand was warm and soft between his own. Lucas noticed himself noticing. 

“Ah,” Kun said, a deep sound that was halfway to a moan.

Lucas let his eyes flick up from Kun’s wrist to his lips. A big mistake, one that transported him instantly to the vivid image he’d summoned in his mind last night. He nearly cursed. “Is, uh, is…this amount of pressure okay?”

Kun glanced at him with another sweet smile. “Yeah, it feels better already.”

“Are you sure?” Lucas asked, “do you want me to get you something for the pain?”

Kun shook his head. “I’m okay.”

“Sure, I mean, I’m just a student so you should probably see a real doctor. But I hope that helped. If it’s still bothering you, I can make you a warm towel. Heat should relax you.” Lucas realised he was still holding on to his hand, gently working his thumb into the centre of his palm. And he didn’t exactly want to let go. 

“Thanks.” 

Lucas fetched a kitchen towel from the middle drawer next to the sink and ran hot water over it. Gingerly, he wrapped it around Kun’s wrist, careful not to make it too tight or leave it too loose. “I can finish cutting, if you just tell me what to do.” 

The finished preparing the meal this way. Kun gave directions while Lucas followed them, taking corrections along the way. It was easy to make mistakes in cooking, but not while Kun was instructing. He really was the perfect teacher, patient and calm. And cute, the way he stood to the side, glass of wine in his better hand, smiling serenely and praising Lucas’ skills as he wildly flipped vegetables in a hot pan on the stove. The attention felt good, that’s what Lucas liked. It was almost as if he were in front of a camera, drawing admiration from onlookers. Except this had nothing to do with his appearance.

Dinner was delicious. They enjoyed it at the table Kun dressed with cream coloured candles and a set of matching blue dishes. Lucas didn’t own any dishes that matched. All his cups were plastic, except his Canada mug which was chipped in two places. It was fine since he was an international student, but when he thought about how he might like to live after graduation, it looked something like this. 

They talked and laughed, about food, music, places they’d been, places they wanted to go. They finished all the food and the bottle of wine with it. If there was something in the air, Lucas couldn’t name it. It wasn’t a date, so it felt different from taking a woman out to dinner. But it wasn’t quite like hanging out with his other friends, even when he and DJ had gotten dressed up and went out for shisha downtown. They’d mostly talked about juicing and the gym, which didn’t garner the same sense of warmth that he felt at Kun’s table. 

Maybe it was a maturity thing, since Kun was older. Lucas had never been in a rush to grow up. But with graduation just a semester away, it was time he started thinking about it. That’s what his father told him every time they talked.

Lucas did the dishes, only letting Kun help clear the table so that he wouldn’t strain his wrist. He washed everything by hand and stored the clean dishes in the dishwasher to dry. Cooking was a lot of work. And he despised dishwashing. But the good meal made it all worthwhile. 

After drying his hands, Lucas announced that he had a surprise. It wasn’t much, just a little something he’d picked up from a specialty shop earlier that day. Kun leaned on one elbow and gazed at him from across the counter, a wide open smile on his face, eagerly awaiting the big reveal. Lucas made a show of going to his coat pocket and retrieving a slender box of expensive, dairy-free chocolates. He’d selected truffles filled with blood orange puree and studded with finely ground cardamom. It was his best attempt ever at being fancy. He opened the box slowly, revealing the pretty contents, offering their scent and the sight of them, only to snap the box shut and dance away, laughing. 

Kun rounded the corner into the kitchen with a quickness Lucas had never seen before. In what seemed like a snapshot moment, Kun was standing in front of him, smiling and asking for a taste. Lucas wasn’t going to let him have it so easily. 

Lucas made him beg, then pout, then shower him with compliments before slipping one of the chocolates out of the box. He held it out for him to grab, only to snatch it away at the last second. He did this several times, raising the chocolate higher and higher out of his reach. 

Kun pressed up to his toes, chest brushing into Lucas as he stretched towards the sweet.

“Ahhhh,” he said, mouth open, ready to bite. 

It was the same sound Lucas had heard in his fantasy, the same mouth, open and eager. And just like in his fantasy, he started to get hard. _Fuck_.

Lucas gave him the chocolate, unable to look away as he slipped it into his mouth, leaving a trace of it on his lips. Everything inside Lucas was flush with how badly he wanted to kiss him. He felt dizzy with it.

“Mmm.”

Kun’s soft moan of pleasure nearly broke him. 

“Uh, I’ll be right back,” Lucas said, excusing himself to the washroom.

Once he was inside, the door closed and locked behind him, he exhaled the breath he’d been holding. He flicked the light on and looked at his surroundings, searching for something to bring him back to Earth. The room was neat and organised, just like Kun. There were little jars, arranged on a shelf beside the sink. He fixed on a glass bottle whose reeds diffused the scent of myrrh and tonka. Because he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror. 

He couldn’t do this, whatever this was, the way it made him feel. He didn’t want to feel. This wasn’t a date. Sure it was fun and even a little flirty and he was having a really nice time, but that was it. Things had to stop there. He couldn’t stand the stupid fluttering in his stomach when he thought about where this evening could go. Opening another bottle of wine, asking Kun to play music, kissing him all the way to the bedroom, playing through his entire fantasy. Waking up to that smile that made his chest hurt. 

This wasn’t him. He didn’t take things this far. Not with anyone. He didn’t swoon or stay the night. He didn’t hang around long enough for someone to figure out that there wasn’t much to him. 


	5. Chapter 5

  
It was late. Or maybe it wasn’t. Lucas couldn’t tell. He’d been studying for ages, since before day turned into night, and had lost track of how much time had passed or even what he was supposed to memorise. He’d left the shades open in his room. The sea and the sky merged into a darkness that felt all consuming, as he stood before the rain streaked windows. He was tired of studying. As hard as he tried, he just couldn’t keep it all in his head. 

Sometimes he’d read an entire page before realising that he didn’t absorb any of it. Maybe he really was as stupid as his teachers had said, starting in primary school. He’d barely been able to pass his classes for the last three years. People took it easy on him since English was neither his first, nor second language. As if that made much difference. He didn’t like reading or writing in any language. 

Lucas stretched and brought his focus to the muted yellow lights in other buildings on campus and the trees that rose, like long, black shadows. He was definitely stupid for choosing school over modelling. His appearance afforded him the rare opportunity of being paid to wear nice clothes while flirting with a camera. He was good at it too. But it had almost wrecked his life when he spent more time going to parties than studying, as an underage kid who was given access to alcohol and women and luxury goods. Attending university was a compromise with himself. It kept him grounded between jobs, allowed him to swim competitively, and gave him a place to call home since his original home no longer existed. 

The apartment itself still existed. But now some other family lived there. Visiting his parents, in their separate apartments, in different parts of the city, did not feel like home. He no longer had a bedroom in either place and he had to schedule separate visits with his mom and dad. Making plans and preparations wasn’t his thing. He always forgot something or mixed his schedule up. With modelling, he had a manager to help with that. She would send him schedules and all he had to do was follow them. But making arrangements to see his family just felt too strange. 

Lucas talked with his dad about it, waking up extra early to chat before his dad went to bed. Since his parents barely spoke to each other, he would be spending a few days of winter break with his mother, then his father, then his grandparents before returning back to Canada just in time for the start of his last semester. Part of him didn’t even want to go, which made him feel bad, so he consoled himself with thoughts of all the delicious foods he would eat. 

He had a job too, a shoot for a big UK-based luxury brand who were putting him in a local campaign. If he did well, he might be considered for a global campaign, according to his manager. But for that they wanted him beefier, which would mean working out constantly and abstaining from delicious foods and even water. Why did everything have to come with so much fucking pressure? 

He missed the days when girls in his class would give him candy because they thought he was cute, when sports were more about fun than charts and medals, when his family ate dinner together. Everything was different now. He was living as a foreigner, an ocean away from everything he knew, his parents were divorced with new partners, and every time he saw the news from Hong Kong, well, that hurt too. 

But before winter break and the long flight back, he had to get through finals.

Lucas closed the shades and looked around his room, wondering what to do to alleviate his boredom. His friends were with their girlfriends, which left him without genius YangYang’s tutoring. He could have joined them, but he really wasn’t in the mood to watch couples be cute. The only thing he was in the mood for was a drink. Which was an obvious no since he had a final tomorrow afternoon. But he did have four beers in his refrigerator and a nip of Crown stashed in his sock drawer. Just a sip would help him relax. He didn’t have to drink all the alcohol in his room. 

A few hours later, Lucas was on his last beer and craving a cigarette. He didn’t smoke during swim season, but he did still have a few packs of expensive American cigarettes that he’d picked up on a shopping trip to Seattle. It wouldn’t be that bad to have one, as a treat, for all that studying. But he couldn’t smoke in his room. In fact, there weren’t many places where smoking was allowed on campus. It was dark and cold and late and he didn’t feel like trekking down to the beach, so he decided the roof would have to do. 

He pulled a beanie over his hair, threw on a black fluffy coat over his grey sweatshirt and pants, stepped into some sneakers and took the stairs up three flights. It was cold, but not too cold so he didn’t bother to zip up. He was tipsy, but not drunk though he kind of wished he was. Tension seemed to follow him in all his waking hours. He couldn’t relax, not without alcohol and now a cigarette.

Truthfully, he wondered how Kun was doing, which was pathetic because he’d been avoiding him for almost two weeks. He hadn’t seen him since their cooking lesson, which had gone well, too well, so he had to do what he always does, which was screw things up. Kun had texted him a few times, but Lucas waited hours to respond and declined his dinner invitation with some bullshit excuse about studying for finals. He thought it would help get the guy out of his head, but instead he thought about him even more. 

It was just an itch that needed scratching. That’s what he told himself. So he set up an account on a gay dating app, just to lurk, to find out if he liked what he saw. Swiping through shot after shot of men posing with their dog on a mountaintop or smiling at the beach didn’t confirm much. There was one guy who looked appealing. His photos involved hot springs in Japan and surfing in Hawaii. But he didn’t match with Lucas, probably due to the fact that Lucas hadn’t posted clear photos of himself. He didn’t want to be recognised, so in each of his pictures he was at a distance, wearing a ball cap or a bucket hat, or part of a group.

He deleted the app after a week of receiving unsolicited photos of private parts and no conversation. He wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t want to go alone to a gay bar either, since he wasn’t gay, just curious. He thought about trying to meet a guy at a gym, but wasn’t sure how to go about it. Besides, there was already a guy taking up too much space in his mind. One who lived just down the hall and made really good food and really good music. Lucas had fallen asleep on more than one night to the image of knocking on Kun’s door, and when he opened it, cupping his face and kissing him. He was such a fool. 

The door to the roof opened, causing Lucas to drop his cigarette butt and step on it immediately. While it was probably just another student sneaking out for a smoke, he couldn’t be sure. Besides, he was done, with everything. 

“Lucas?” A pale face peered at him between a beanie and a winter jacket zipped all the way up.

 _Fuck_.

“Oh, hey, Kun,” Lucas said. “What are you doing out here?”

“I got a report about smoking. Someone could smell it in their room.”

“Huh,” Lucas replied, hoping Kun wouldn’t ask him directly if he was the one smoking. He didn’t want to lie to him. 

“You know if you stand next to these vents here,” Kun gestured to a grey metal pipe next to Lucas, “then things like scent and sound travel into the building.” 

Lucas felt like an idiot. He couldn’t even break the rules right. He should have known to stay away from the ventilation system of all things. 

“Yeah, of course,” Lucas replied. No, he didn’t just feel like an idiot. He was an idiot. 

“Okay, I’ll just note on my report that everything is clear up here.” 

They stood, staring at each other for a while before Lucas muttered, “thanks.” 

Another quiet moment began to settle around them, chillier than the night air. Lucas looked up, wishing he could see stars, but instead settling for the moon, which shone faintly behind the clouds. He bit his lip, trying to calm the contraction in his chest. It was probably from the cold air and smoking, more than the gloom that had been following him for nearly two weeks. That, he had under control. Or, at least temporarily submerged in alcohol. 

“Is everything okay?” Kun asked, his cheeks round and flushed with cold. 

_Cute_.

“Yeah,” Lucas shrugged. “It’s finals week, so I’m just stressed.” He blinked rapidly, a desperate attempt to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes. What the fuck was wrong with him? 

“Hey,” Kun said, soothingly, “you don’t seem fine. What’s really going on?”

“Nothing,” he insisted, but it was no use pretending, not when Kun could see right through him. “Everything,” he sighed. “I’m probably going to fail at least one of my finals, my family is a mess and it makes me not want to see them over winter break, which I feel bad about because they’re my family, but home isn’t home anymore. And I’m a foreigner here, so this doesn’t feel like home either.” He paused, letting the realisation sink into his bones. He had no place to call home. 

Kun watched him with kind eyes, waiting for him to get it all out. But there was one thing Lucas couldn’t tell him. So he stopped where he was and dabbed at the corners of his eyes with the back of his hands.

“Sorry, I’m just under a lot of pressure,” he added. “I don’t mean to be such a mess.” 

“You’re not a mess,” Kun told him. “You’re just going through a hard time right now. But it won’t last forever. It doesn’t rain all the time, even here in Vancouver.” 

Lucas managed a weak smile. Kun had a point. But he wasn’t sure if three months of sun were enough to overcome nine months of rain. 

“And before you say there aren’t enough good times to outweigh the bad, that too can change. We learn from our difficulties and our mistakes. It’s what helps us grow.” Kun smiled, his warm smile that felt like a ray of light. “If life were easy, we’d become even more spoiled and terrible than we are.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right. But I keep getting in my own way. I keep messing things up for myself and I don’t know how to stop doing that.”

Kun tipped his head to the side and looked up at him with a softness that was almost unbearable. How could it be that this was what Lucas needed, even more than alcohol or cigarettes or casual sex? He felt like something inside him was breaking open, but he still wasn’t ready to let it loose. 

“I don’t think I’ve mentioned this, but I went through a really hard time a few years ago. I made a lot of mistakes. But I learned from them. They helped me understand what was most important to me,” Kun said.

“What happened?” 

“Back when I started university, I had just come out to my friends and my parents and was struggling with everyone seeing me differently. I’d always worked hard. I was good at everything, but never the best at anything. And suddenly the thing that made me feel like me, which was music, became secondary to my sexuality. People saw me as the gay kid before they saw me as a musician, even people who’d known me for years, or, in my parents’ case, my whole life. I became so insecure that my creativity emptied out and I tried to fill it with going to bars and getting high and going home with strangers, which always left me feeling even worse. But I kept my marks up and did whatever my parents asked, so nobody knew what I was putting myself through.

“What made you change?” Lucas asked. He was surprised to hear that Kun had ever been anything other than perfect. 

“Music.” Kun smiled. “It had always been this thing that I did, but when I almost put it down, that was when I realised I needed it most. It’s a part of me. It gives me purpose in life. It helps me find balance, even when things fall apart.” 

“Wow, I wish I had something like that,” Lucas lamented. “I mean, I like swimming and other sports, but they’re not part of who I am. That’s amazing you figured out who you’re meant to be.”

“Lucas, you’re three years younger than me. You have plenty of time to try on different things, figure out what fits.” 

Lucas smiled, the only genuine smile he’d felt all week. “I hope I’m as smart as you when I’m old.”

Kun rolled his eyes. “You’re smart now. You already have everything you need.”

“Shut up,” Lucas whined, wriggling the sweetness out of his body. 

Kun laughed and turned to go back inside, but before he could take two steps Lucas was draping him with a sloppy, affectionate hug. 

“Come on,” Lucas groaned, “use those big thighs to hold me up.” He smacked Kun’s left thigh and cackled.

“Big?” Kun responded. 

“Strong,” Lucas said, hoisting himself onto Kun’s back.

“Is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Of course, now take me home.”

“I can’t carry you down three flights of stairs!” Kun laughed. “You’re the jock, you should carry me.” 

“Okay,” Lucas said, sliding off of his back and sweeping Kun into his arms, bridal style. 

“What the hell?! I was joking!” 

But Lucas wasn’t joking. He felt a distinct sense of pride in being able to prove he could do it. Resigned to his fate, Kun threw his arms around Lucas’ neck as they tramped down the stairs and back to their floor. It wasn’t enough for Lucas to stop there. He brought Kun all the way to his door, depositing him in front of his apartment, while two girls gawked at them. Lucas flashed them a bright smile and waved. They giggled and scurried into the elevator. 

“I hope your kneecaps are still in place,” Kun laughed. 

“I didn’t even break a sweat,” Lucas replied. 

“Maybe you’ve just found your calling.”

“What? Winning one of those wife-carrying competitions?”

“Husbands could be carried too,” Kun said, in a haughty yet cute tone of voice.

Lucas felt his heart spiral around in his chest, fluttering with silly thoughts. Like, was Kun the kind of guy who wanted to get married? It was legal here, after all. What was he even into? Monogamy? Non-monogamy? Polyamory? What was he like as a boyfriend? What did it even matter? He didn’t ask DJ or YangYang these questions. He couldn’t entertain these kind of thoughts about Kun.

“Yeah, of course. Anyway, I should get back to studying.”

“Good luck with your finals.” 

“Thanks, you too.” Lucas walked a few paces down the hall and turned around, as Kun was opening the apartment door. “Kun?” he called.

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks. For everything.”

Lucas returned to his room, shrugging off his coat and tossing his beanie in a corner before collapsing on his bed. He was screwed. In his efforts to avoid Kun, he’d somehow escalated from imagining having sex with him to imagining dating him. This was not what he wanted at all. 

He just wanted to pass his classes and get out of town for a while. He had a trip planned, with DJ and YangYang to go snowboarding in Banff before he went back to see his family. Of course, now their girlfriends were coming so he would be a fifth wheel the whole time. He could have invited some girl, but that would make it hard to meet girls there. But in all honesty, what he wanted most was to go knock on Kun’s door. He wasn’t just screwed, he was thoroughly fucked up and over and every which way.

Lucas was still sprawled in the same position when his phone buzzed. He wrestled it out of his pocket and checked the message. Just his luck, it was from Kun. 

_For your study playlist_ , was all it said, followed by a smiley face, and a file attached. 

He added it to his playlist, which was embarrassingly titled KUN, and set the whole thing to repeat. He felt better than he had since, well, their cooking lesson. Was Kun flirting with him? Did he send music to other guys? He probably did, to his friends at least. And they were friends. Good friends. 

Lucas smiled and buried his face in his pillow, wondering what he should text back. 

********

Lucas survived his finals. Barely. But that still counted. He passed all his classes. He was moving on to his last semester. 

The term ended with a few big parties. He drank but didn’t get drunk, flirted but didn’t hook up. It just felt good to have another semester, another set of courses behind him, especially statistics. It wasn’t his best subject, but it wasn’t his worst. That was coming next semester when he had to complete his advanced writing requirement. But he would worry about that in another month. Right now, he was packing for the slopes. 

He hadn’t told Kun about the trip to Alberta, not that he had to let him know. They were just friends. Besides, he would probably find out from the photos or videos Lucas would post to his socials. Kun knew that he was going back to visit his family, but he didn’t ask if he was doing anything. In fact, Lucas was avoiding him again. He didn’t do it to be mean. He just couldn’t take the way he felt around him, happy and excited and hopeful for more than what they were. 

Maybe it was a bit of a crush. But a platonic version. He just really liked who Kun was. How was that so different from admiring a good swimmer or someone at the gym? He just couldn’t let it get mixed up with the part of his brain that was physically attracted to men. These were separate issues. 

Lucas wasn’t very good at packing. He bundled some clothes into a duffel bag, some cords, some toiletries, some shoes and called it good. He checked to make sure his wallet had the appropriate elements, his provincial health card in case he broke a leg, his identification card since he didn’t drive, and his credit cards. 

He rode to the airport with DJ, YangYang, and their girlfriends, already feeling his part as the fifth wheel sitting in the front seat while the couples chatted in the back of the van. It didn’t matter. He was going spend most of his time riding fluffy, dry powder, relaxing in the hot tub, and drinking champagne all the way through New Year’s. 

Besides, the guys had spent Christmas together, just the three of them, eating lots of food and watching movies in YangYang’s room. He was the one most excited about it every year, feeding them hot spiced wine with rum and some sort of boozy, fruity cake stuffed with almond paste, just like in Germany, which he called the Land of Christmas. 

Lucas’ favourite holiday was the New Year, especially since he celebrated it twice. The Canadian version didn’t have many fun foods or traditions, not like the world famous festival back in HK, but he liked champagne and parties and starting over. He didn’t make resolutions, as that sounded like punishment, but he did promise himself that he would get his shit together in his last semester and graduate. 

But first he would have a good time with his friends.

********

Lucas posted lots of photos. He posed with his snowboard at the top of the mountain and with a cup of cocoa in the lodge, for his public account. Then he posted photos and video with his friends at a club and drinking champagne in the hot tub at the house, for his private account. 

Kun followed both, but liked none of his photos. Which felt weird because Lucas was used to people liking his photos, hundreds, even thousands of strangers sometimes. What he wasn’t used to was wanting someone, a certain person, in particular, to like them. To make matters worse, he’d liked Kun’s photos and watched his videos from Christmas with his family. 

Was this just a one way fascination? Was he not Kun’s type? Lucas didn’t mean to be conceited, but the idea offended him a little. Not because he thought everyone was attracted to him, but because he wanted Kun to be. 

Pathetic, Lucas thought as he picked up his phone for the third time that day, specifically to check Kun’s account. He hadn’t gone as far as setting notifications. He wasn’t that ridiculous. But he was just ridiculous enough to re-watch a video of Kun in the studio, making music. And to smile at the screen like a sap while he watched. 

On New Year’s eve, Lucas was feeling especially affectionate. Maybe it was being stuck with two couples for several days, but he almost wanted what they had. He could have gone out to find some girl to bring back to their house party, but having sex with strangers was losing appeal. Not to mention, the problems he’d been having with that. It might have been the right time to find a guy, go home with him, but he didn’t feel like re-downloading the app to search for gay guys nearby. 

So he settled for throwing his arms around DJ and YangYang, ruffling their hair, pretending to kiss them, just to see if they’d panic. They didn’t. And their girlfriends cheered it on. Lucas found that funny. He and the girls had more in common than they even knew.

Midnight came and went in a flurry of liquor and laughter and more videos to post online. Lucas stepped outside on the back porch, to smoke a cigarette and check his phone. A soft snow was falling, so he took a picture of it blanketing the pine trees and the enormous mountains, under a bright, white moon. It wasn’t yet midnight in Vancouver. Fifteen minutes to go. 

Though it was cold, he stayed to light another cigarette, his last one, and scroll through other people’s celebrations. He was going to quit this year, for sure, not postpone his smoking to the off-season, but actually quit. His face, his body, they wouldn’t last forever. It was past time he started taking better care of himself. 

When 12:00 hit the West Coast, he sent the photo of the moon and the snow to Kun, wishing him a happy new year. A few minutes passed with no response, which was no big deal, since he was probably busy celebrating. But it kind of was a big deal because Lucas didn’t like thinking about someone this much. Whatever this was, it was new to him. He’d tried to ignore it, but it just kept getting worse. Was this how some girls felt when he stopped answering their texts? No, they barely knew him, so how could they like him this much? 

Lucas took a long drag of cigarette, to suppress a surge of warmth inside him. He _liked_ Kun. Really, genuinely liked him, as something other than a friend. He wanted to be with him, right now, and every day and night after. And if he’d only admitted it to himself earlier, maybe they could have been together, kissing at midnight, instead of Lucas, all alone, repeatedly checking his phone to see the one person he wanted to be with most. 

A new photo appeared on Kun’s account. In it he was smiling with two guys on either side of him, each with an arm wrapped around his shoulders. Lucas recognised one of them as Chittaphon. The other one, he’d never seen before. He checked the tags, following the name win1028 to the guy’s account.

The guy had a very pretty face and what was probably an amazing body, from what Lucas could tell from all the theatre and dance posts. His bio said that he was a professional dancer, followed by the China and Canada flags. A new video appeared, so Lucas tapped on it. He instantly regretted it. 

“Happy New Year, everybody! And Happy Birthday to the cutest boy I know!” The guy kissed Kun’s cheek and the video ended. 

This time when Lucas felt his heart move, it was plummeting into his stomach. What the fuck? Did Kun have a boyfriend? Is that what this was? Because it definitely looked like it.

He replayed the video to make sure he wasn’t losing his eyesight. There they were, just the two of them, arms wrapped around each other’s waists, smiling, like they were so damn happy. And then the guy was kissing Kun. It was only on the cheek, but still. They looked like a couple. 

Lucas felt sick. 

He went back inside, grabbed an open bottle, and marched to his bedroom, where he flopped onto the big bed and promptly spilled pink bubbles on the rumpled white sheets. He managed to pour some wine into his mouth and then navigated back to Kun’s account, where he clicked over to the other tag - 10tenlee. He selected the most recent post, which was just minutes old. A video played what was essentially a live version of the photo Kun posted. In it, the two guys hugged him and wished him a happy birthday. 

Lucas hadn’t even known that it was his birthday. He was such an ass, only thinking of himself. He’d never bothered to ask Kun about his dating life or even his birthday. It had taken until today to find out that he was a Capricorn with a whole boyfriend, or whoever that guy was to him. 

Kun still hadn’t messaged him back. Probably busy fucking his boyfriend. Lucas hated thinking these sort of thoughts. This was exactly why he didn’t get attached. 

Lucas decided he had a New Year’s Resolution after all.

_Be less of an ass._


	6. Chapter 6

Lucas slept through most of the long flight home. Though he’d been born and raised there, it was feeling less and less like home each time he returned. Plans had shifted again, so he would be staying with his dad and brother first, followed by his grandparents, and then his mom. 

His dad’s apartment was small, Lucas no longer had his own room. Between the three guys, none of them cooked, so they ordered takeaway every night that he was there, except for the night his dad’s girlfriend cooked them dinner. Neither Lucas nor his brother had anything to say to her and she had nothing to say to them. It was clear she was only there to appease their dad. Lucas would have rather been spared the awkwardness. 

He met up with some friends, who took him out to clubs, where he drank too much and flirted with women under neon lights. It wasn’t nearly as fun as his memory coloured it. When a group of girls that his friends were talking to suggested going to a gay bar, Lucas almost choked on his whisky. It was both the best idea and the worst idea, mostly because it was becoming harder and harder to pretend he was interested in women. Fortunately for him, his friends decided they were hungry instead. 

His dad didn’t seem to care that he slept past noon and came home as the sun rose in the morning. They didn’t talk about much, aside from football and Lucas’ work and travel schedule. But that was typical. 

Before Lucas departed to catch a train to his grandparents’ house, his dad told him to let him know if he would graduate, so that he could make travel arrangements to fly to Canada for the ceremony. Lucas tried to ignore the _if_ and pretend it was a _when_ , but it still stung a little that his father had such low expectations for him. 

Of course, it didn’t help that he was sliding back into old habits. He’d never excelled in coursework and he’d given his parents cause to worry during secondary school. That’s when he became more interested in his own appearance and getting attention from girls than studying. He’d started drinking and smoking too, well before he was legally allowed, which all led to arguments with his dad. Though he’d been living on his own for almost four years, it still felt like Lucas had yet to prove to his dad that he was going to amount to anything. He hadn’t even proved it to himself. 

He had a job coming up and that was reason enough to clean himself up. Sure, he could get away with drinking, smoking, eating whatever he wanted, but if his goal was to get the global campaign, he had to start taking this more seriously. 

It sounded good in his head - eat right, exercise, moisturise, hydrate. But his body and mind both wanted to sleep. For the first few days, it was easy to blame on jet lag and the sixteen hour time difference. Far easier than admitting he was nursing some hurt feelings. 

********

His grandparents had a small house in the countryside with a vegetable garden. They complimented Lucas on how big and strong he looked, feeding him meals with what they grew in the garden, and giving him extra portions of meat. For the first time in weeks, Lucas relaxed. He drank tea with his grandparents in the garden, helped them with chores, and took long runs through the green fields surrounding the house. It was a stark contrast to the lights and action of the city. But he didn’t mind. It was the furthest he’d felt from his worries yet. 

He tried not to think about Kun. They hadn’t spoken since well before winter break began. He’d responded kindly to the birthday and New Year greetings Lucas had sent, after posting birthday photos, including a beautiful cream cake from the person who was definitely his boyfriend. The guy’s name was Sicheng and he'd posted sickeningly sweet videos of the two of them, celebrating Kun’s birthday and making breakfast together in Kun’s apartment. 

For the first time in his life, Lucas felt sick over someone. He felt it constantly, on the way to the airport, on the flight, everywhere he went in the city. He couldn’t stop thinking about what foods Kun would like or the sights he wanted to show him. When he went out to clubs with his friends, he wondered what it would feel like to kiss him under the neon lights. But it was all useless. In the time he’d wasted figuring out that he actually liked a guy, the guy had gone out and found someone else. Lucas wasn’t used to being on the losing end of heartache. 

On the last day before he returned to the city, Lucas sat in the kitchen helping his grandmother prepare lunch. She was pleased with his new interest in making food. They talked about what life was like in Canada and she told him how proud she was of him, for travelling so far away to study. She said that if she’d been born a man, she would have done that too, gone overseas all on her own. He asked if she wanted to come to Canada for his graduation and offered to make all the arrangements. She smiled and said it was too much trouble and that she’d come see him when he moved back to the city. 

Lucas wasn’t sure he would be moving back to Hong Kong after graduation. He hadn’t given it much thought. It was just assumed. So it surprised him when he said he might apply for a work permit and stay in Canada for a while. It surprised his grandmother too. 

“Is there any particular reason you want to stay over there?” she asked, eyeing him over a plate of pan fried bread. 

“Work experience,” he offered vaguely. 

“Is that all?” she smiled. “I thought you might have met someone special.” 

“What?” Lucas picked up a piece of bread and stuffed it into his mouth, as if that would end the questioning. 

“You know I was about your age when I married your grandfather. Of course, your generation doesn’t marry so young anymore. You have so much to do, school and travel and work. How do you find time to fall in love?” 

Lucas shrugged, chewing slowly to keep his mouth busy and prevent himself from saying something stupid. 

“But it would be a very good reason to start a new life, if it’s with someone special.” 

“There’s not…there’s no one,” he said. His fingers reached for another piece of bread, which he tore into pieces, letting them fall to the plate, uneaten. “No one I can be with,” he mumbled. 

“Ah, so there is someone special.”

“Really, there’s not,” Lucas insisted, but it was only a partial truth. “I thought there might be, but I was wrong,” he added. 

“I see. Have you confessed how you feel?” 

Lucas sighed. He couldn’t believe he was even talking about this. He hadn’t mentioned it to his friends. He’d barely been able to accept it himself. “No, the timing isn’t good.” 

“If it’s your destiny, then fate will bring you together,” she told him with a reassuring pat on the hand. 

Lucas thought about fate on the train ride back to the city. He’d been denying himself something that his heart really wanted and now that he knew what it was, he couldn’t have have it. Maybe that was his destiny. 

********

Staying with his mother was even weirder than staying with his father. She’d moved in with her boyfriend almost as soon as the divorce with Lucas’ father was made final. They’d eloped a year after that and Lucas didn’t find out until after, when she called him during Spring exams to tell him the news. He’d failed two of his finals that semester. 

Her second husband (Lucas couldn’t bear to think of the man as a step-father) had no children. He also made it clear that he had no interest in getting to know hers. Lucas felt like a stranger in both of his parents’ homes. 

She took a few days away from work so they could spend time touring around the city and enjoying whatever Lucas wanted to eat. She made his favourite Thai dishes for dinner one night and they watched a couple episodes of a Thai drama about two university boys who pretend to be in a fake relationship, only to fall for each other. Though it wasn’t the type of thing Lucas usually liked to watch, it did make him feel like his mom might not mind if he brought a guy to meet her someday. And that made him happy. 

He finished the drama in just three nights. He didn’t have much knowledge of what romantic relationships looked like between men. Most of what he’d seen was explicitly sexual and palpably unromantic. Lucas had never considered himself a romantic person. But now he was starting to wonder if that was because he’d yet to be in a relationship with someone he really cared about. 

Since he was old enough to date, he’d told himself that he didn’t want to fall in love. He just wanted to have sex. But here he was, checking his phone before he went to bed to see if Kun had posted anything new, fantasising about doing all the things that couples do, like falling asleep together, waking up together, making breakfast together. He’d finally met someone who made him feel this way, but his someone was doing all those things with someone else. 

According to the research Lucas had done, that someone else was Dong Sicheng, a ballet dancer who performed with companies in Shanghai and Seattle before joining the National Ballet of Canada. Not only was he immensely talented but he was also very pretty. How was Lucas supposed to compete with all that? 

Over his visit, Lucas had posted some shots of the city, exciting spots that made people think that Hong Kong was much more glamorous than the everyday experience, which was essentially a very expensive stack of crowded grey boxes, with few green spaces. But it was the photo from his grandparents’ garden that Kun liked. In it, he was sitting with his grandmother, trimming long beans, an easy smile on his face. 

Lucas missed him. He missed talking and cooking and listening to music together. Would it even be the same when returned home? Or would he become third wheel to Kun and Sicheng, silently suffocating the affection that was eager to bloom inside of him? 

********

His photoshoot for the UK-based luxury company was two days before he flew back to Canada. It was long, six continuous hours of styling and posing, changing outfits and accessories, having his appearance scrutinised like he wasn’t even a living, breathing person, just a doll, who wasn’t muscular enough, who wasn’t pale enough, who should consider getting his ears pinned. 

He felt exhausted afterwards and confused. To most people, his looks were a blessing that made him a natural model. But actual modelling was work. It wasn’t enough to show up with the face he’d been born with. He needed to diet and train, be painted and sculpted, then edited and filtered, and still the result was never good enough. 

He was supposed to love it, the opulence of it all. Instead, he felt empty, like a vessel, a very fashionable vessel, with nothing inside. He wasn’t sure what else he had to offer, besides his looks. People didn’t seem to see anything else. Maybe that’s why Kun was with Sicheng instead of him. 

The sense of unease that had been following Lucas since New Year’s Eve, grew stronger as his flight back to Vancouver neared. He would have to see Kun again, in person, and that meant facing his feelings. Over the winter break, he’d done plenty of soul searching about whether or not he was gay, or bisexual. He’d tried to figure out why he liked this particular guy so much more than any of the other guys he knew at school, or the models he met on shoot. He’d even tried to analyse why it hurt so much to see Kun with someone else. And what he found was that there was nothing rational about any of it. 

Lucas didn’t know what he wanted in most areas of his life. He didn’t know if he wanted to teach sports or model, stay in Canada or return to Hong Kong, date women or men or both. But he did know that finally, after years of detachment, he’d fallen for someone. 

So now he had to figure out what he was going to do about it. His head told him to let it go, move on. But his heart didn’t want to. It had taken this long to feel something. He couldn’t give up so easily. His feelings wouldn’t just disappear. 

Confessing was not an option. Kun was his friend and he didn’t want to ruin that by asking him to leave his boyfriend. Which gave him only one choice. He would wait. If fate truly meant for them to be together, it would happen, right? 

Or was he supposed to take action and choose the path he wanted? Was that how it worked? 

All he knew for sure was that he felt good when he thought about Kun and even better when he thought about being with Kun. He missed being close enough to catch his scent, something like oranges and sweet basil. He missed talking with him late into the night, about music and life. In most aspects, Kun was the perfect guy. Lucas just had to show him that he was the perfect guy for him. 

  
********

Lucas returned to school with only two days to get over his jet lag before classes started. He had a bunch of tasks to complete, like laundry and grocery shopping, but chose instead to sleep. It was exactly what he needed. 

Sleeping was his superpower. He could fall asleep anytime, anywhere, which helped a lot with getting over the time difference. He put himself on a schedule, swimming in the morning before classes and hitting the gym again in the evening. If he got a callback for the global campaign, he had to be ready. That meant working on his body as much as possible. 

He woke before the sun rose, washed his face, and drank a protein shake. He listened to music for a bit, sipped water, brushed his teeth, and dressed to go out to the swim centre. As he stepped into the hallway, he froze when he heard another door open. It was the door to Kun’s apartment. 

Lucas watched as a guy walked into the hallway and then turned around to kiss a sleepy looking Kun, who was leaning across the doorway. He smoothed Kun’s ruffled hair and kissed him a second time before saying goodbye. Kun said something that Lucas couldn’t hear, which made the guy smile and promise to call him later. 

Lucas felt like he’d been pushed into a cold pool. He hadn’t expected to see them together, not so quickly, and certainly not them kissing, not this guy leaving Kun’s apartment in the morning. He hated everything about it. 

The apartment door closed and Lucas walked down the hall, making a left turn towards the elevators. Sicheng was standing there. His face was even prettier in person. He was tall too, but not as tall as Lucas. 

The elevator arrived and Lucas followed Sicheng inside. The guy moved like a ballet dancer, with a grace that extended past the stage and into every fibre of his body, from the elegant finger that pressed the ground floor button, to the way he stood, hands clasped, back straight, neck long, eyes focused ahead. Lucas felt almost awkward by comparison, but he would never show it, so he arched to his full height and crossed his arms over his chest. 

Lucas waited for Sicheng to leave the elevator and then trailed him at a short distance, as he walked out of the building and down the block. He watched as he entered a nearby parking garage and got into a yellow coupe. Maybe it was the athlete in him, but Lucas couldn’t help feeling competitive. So far he was losing in every category. 

It wasn’t like him to lack confidence. But something about this Sicheng made him keenly aware of all his flaws. For instance, he couldn’t drive. He wasn’t immensely talented. He didn’t have an impressive career. 

But he was charming. He had charisma. He knew how to make someone feel like they were special. Maybe all he had to do was be his natural, flirtatious self and let Kun decide whether he wanted his pretty ballerino or a man who would fulfil all of his fantasies. Lucas didn’t know what Kun’s fantasies were, but he was not too shy to ask. 

His birthday party on Saturday would be the perfect place to find out.

********

Kun kept the same RA hours for this semester as last, which meant that Lucas knew exactly when his door would be open. Conveniently, he had time to catch up on his laundry on the same night. He piled nearly every scrap of clothing he owned into a duffel bag, leaving only his luxury freebies hanging in the closet and a pair of black pyjama pants. 

Lucas showered and moisturised his entire body with almond oil, taking extra care to make sure his pecs and abs looked good. He spritzed a gentle breeze of his favourite eau de toilette, a spicy, woodsy fragrance from southern France, and lifted his duffel over his shoulder. Then he slipped into his black pyjama pants, letting them hang low on his hips, and stepped into his black leather slippers. He entered the hallway with a slow, casual, stroll, swooping past Kun’s open door and back around, as if he just happened to knock as an afterthought, on his way somewhere else. 

“Hey!” Lucas announced, an easy smile spreading across his face as he spotted Kun sitting at his computer. 

“Come in,” Kun replied absently, his eyes still focused on the screen as he motioned for Lucas to enter the apartment. 

Lucas walked inside, keeping his bag hoisted over his shoulder so that his bicep was flexed. “Long time no see,” he said, ignoring the stare that was coming from Sicheng, who stood in the kitchen holding a mug.

Kun looked over and couldn’t restrain his eyes from travelling down Lucas’ body and back up to his smile. He stood and rubbed the back of his neck, eyes flitting to Sicheng who was now staring at him. “What’s up?”

“Just on my way to do some laundry,” Lucas grinned, widening his smile to maximum shine. “I’m out of clothes,” he added, gesturing from his chest to his stomach, feeling pleased as Kun’s eyes followed. 

“Do you want to borrow a hoodie or something?” Kun asked, snapping his attention back up to Lucas’ face. 

“Nah, they keep this place pretty well heated. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that it’s my birthday on Saturday and I’d love it if you came to my party.”

“Uh, yeah, of course.” Kun smiled. “I’ll be there.”

Lucas held his gaze for a moment, basking in the warmth of their shared eye contact. But then Kun glanced back at Sicheng and the smile faded from his face. 

“Oh, “Kun said, shaking his head. “You two haven’t met. Sicheng, this is my friend Lucas. He lives down the hall. Lucas, this is Sicheng.”

“His boyfriend,” Sicheng added, possessively. 

“Wassup man,” Lucas said, giving him a quick appraisal before returning his attention to Kun. 

“There’s gonna be food, drinks, everything, but dress warm because we’ll be outside.”

“In January?” Kun replied, eyes wide. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you freeze,” Lucas grinned again, “I’ll text you the details.”

Lucas turned and walked towards the door. He gave Sicheng a nod, tilting his chin up and looking down at him with no expression, as he passed. Instead of heading to the elevators, Lucas waited by the wall, just outside Kun’s apartment, and listened. 

“What was that?” Sicheng asked.

“It’s not what you think. It's nothing. He’s straight,” Kun answered. 

“Uh-huh. Sure, he is.” 

“He’s just a friend. Now let’s watch that movie you wanted to see.”

“My tea is cold,” Sicheng pouted. 

“I’ll make you a new cup,” Kun replied.

Lucas felt his heart sink. The confidence he’d put on vanished. He was so stupid, standing topless under the garishly bright hallway lights. He trudged back to his room, embarrassed at his own display of cheesiness. What happened to Hot Lucas, who was so smooth with women? 

He’d never really had to try before. Women, men, people always flocked to him. Now that there was someone he wanted, all he could think to do was cosplay some bad movie cliche. Looking really good wasn’t going to make Kun suddenly realise that Lucas was the guy of his dreams. 

  
********

DJ’s girlfriend lived in a co-op off campus with a rooftop deck. While it wasn’t exactly warm out during this time of year, a few heating lamps and a lot of alcohol would make it bearable. It hadn’t snowed this winter, which Lucas took as a sign that things were going his way. 

He messaged guys from the swim team, a few acquaintances from his major, and some girls he hadn’t slept with. YangYang was in charge of the music and lighting, while DJ was in charge of ordering a keg. As for the menu, he wanted to serve something that would impress Kun. So he bought spiced lamb for skewers and thin pork chops that he could throw on the grill, along with some vegetables and bread. Halle and Malia bought bags of chips and sodas and even baked him a cake.

Usually, Lucas enjoyed casual sex for his birthday. But this year, he wasn’t interested. He ignored every advance, eyes continually wandering to the door, hopeful that the next person to enter would be Kun. 

When Kun finally arrived, he looked gorgeous in a shearling motorcycle jacket that was an Acne Studios knockoff, a pair of jeans, and sleek boots. All black really suited him and matched with the entirely black ensemble Lucas was wearing. He’d chosen a few pieces from his small collection of expensive clothes that he’d earned from various modelling jobs, a Drake’s cashmere sweater that hugged his chest, a Gucci belt with a lion head clasp, actual Acne Studios denim, Red Wing heritage boots, and a Pyrenex bomber jacket worn open and loose. 

Lucas called DJ over and told him to watch the grill. Then he untied his apron, tossed it to DJ, slammed his whisky ginger, and walked over to greet his guests. Yes, guests, as in plural. Kun was accompanied, of course, by Sicheng, who grabbed his hand as Lucas headed their way. So possessive.

“Happy Birthday, Baby!” Chittaphon said, stepping out from behind Kun and handing Lucas a slender silver bag. “This is just a little something from us to you.” 

Lucas thanked them and accepted the bag, while simultaneously accepting a hug from Chittaphon, which turned into a hug from Kun, followed by a stiff wave from Sicheng. 

“Thank you! I’m glad you could make it,” Lucas said, directing his smile at Kun. 

“Happy Birthday! I hope it’s okay that I brought these two,” Kun replied. 

“Of course, there’s plenty of food, beer, I have whisky, if you prefer.” 

“Whisky is good.” 

“Coming right up.” Lucas paused, then gestured at the two guys standing on either side of Kun. “Whisky for everyone?”

Sicheng shook his head. 

“He doesn’t drink during performance season,” Kun clarified. 

“But I do!” Chittaphon announced. “So, come on, show me where you keep the good stuff.” He took Lucas by the elbow and they walked over to a table stacked with cups and various bottles of wine and spirits. 

Lucas added his silver bag to the table, after peeking inside to see a nice bottle of cognac. He mixed three drinks, whisky gingers, and returned to where Kun and Sicheng were standing, admiring the view of the downtown lights across the bay. “I hope you like ginger,” Lucas said, handing Kun one of the two drinks in his hands.

“I love ginger,” Kun smiled and took a sip. “This is good, strong too.” 

“Are you hungry? I grilled a bunch of meats and vegetables. I even made sauces.”

“By yourself?” Kun asked. 

“Yes, by myself,” Lucas told him smugly. “And nothing caught on fire.” 

“That’s because you have a great teacher,” Kun smirked. 

“Definitely. I owe all my success to him.”

“So what did you make?”

“Try the lamb first. It turned out really good,” Lucas said, placing a hand on Kun’s back and guiding him towards the grill. 

“You’re not even going to pretend to be humble about it, are you?” Kun laughed.

“Why? It’s my birthday. If there’s any day I get to brag about my cooking skills, it should be today.” 

He handed Kun a lamb skewer and watched as he slid a morsel into his mouth. It reminded Lucas of their moment in the kitchen and how much he regretted not kissing the chocolate from his lips. He’d missed his chance.

“Okay, okay,” Kun said, “you’re right. It’s delicious.”

“You taught me well,” Lucas said, dropping his voice almost as low as it would go. He picked up a paper napkin from the table. “There’s some…” he started to hand Kun the napkin, but kept going, bringing it up to his face and wiping sauce from the corner of his mouth. “Sauce,” he finished, watching as Kun’s tongue darted out to lick his lips clean.

“What else did you cook? I’m hungry too,” Chittaphon said, pressing in close to Lucas. 

“How about a grilled pork sandwich?” Lucas asked.

“Sounds great,” Chittaphon nodded. 

They walked over to the middle of the table, where he showed off the sandwiches he’d assembled. Chittaphon helped himself to one and then nudged Lucas away from the table. 

“Freshen my drink, would you?” 

“You finished it already?” Lucas asked.

“I said freshen, so come on,” Chittaphon insisted.

They walked back over to the other side of the roof, where the drinks were. Lucas poured more whisky and more ginger beer into both of their cups, adding a squeeze of fresh lime juice. 

“What are you doing?” Chittaphon asked, eyeing Lucas from behind his cup. 

“What do you mean?” Lucas responded, taking a long sip. He’d made the drinks strong again. 

“He has a boyfriend.” 

“Good for him.”

“Is it? If that’s what you really think, then why are you flirting with him?”

“He’s just a friend,” Lucas huffed, parroting the words he’d heard Kun tell Sicheng about him. 

“But you want to be more than that.” 

“I’m not gay,” Lucas told him, though he wasn't sure it was true. 

“Didn’t say you were.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that Kun is my best friend and he’s in a new relationship. He’s happy. And I don’t want you to fuck that up.”

Lucas was quiet. Was he doing the wrong thing? He only wanted to show Kun that he cared, that he was there, and that they would be good together. If he could make him happier, then why shouldn’t he try? 

Chittaphon wasn’t finished. “You know, when I met you at the restaurant, I could tell that you were into him. I could see it. He couldn’t, but I picked up on it right away. I figured you were the type to call yourself straight and date women, but hook up with guys on the side.”

“That’s not me,” Lucas said. 

“Sure, it’s not,” Chittaphon scoffed. “Whatever. You do you. But don’t mess up a relationship just because you want to fuck the boy next door.”

“I don’t hook up with guys,” Lucas told him quietly. “I haven’t…”

“Oh my god,” Chittaphon sighed.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing,” he placed his food and drink on the table and waved his hands. “Here, give me your phone.”

“Why?”

“Because you need me.” 

Lucas unlocked his phone and handed it over. 

“This is my number. We’re going out this week. I’ll let you know when.”

“But…”

Chittaphon rolled his eyes. “I’m not hitting on you. I’m helping you.”

Lucas wasn’t sure what he meant by that. But if there was a chance it might help him get closer to Kun, he was willing to find out. 


	7. Chapter 7

  
Another rainy night. Lucas rode the bus all the way across town to meet Chittaphon on a busy street corner. He stood under dim streetlights, watching the cars and people pass by. He was a bit uncomfortable because his jeans were too tight, the result of spending extra time in the gym, but he was about to become even more uncomfortable. Chittaphon was taking him to a gay bar. 

Lucas had never been to one before. Guys flirting with him wasn’t unfamiliar. He usually smiled, flattered, and told them he only liked women. But that wasn’t really true anymore. Still, he was reluctant to define his attraction. He hadn’t been with a guy, so how could he say for sure that he liked guys? Maybe kissing a guy would feel weird. Or as empty as when he kissed women. 

He couldn’t imagine that kissing Kun would feel anything other than perfect. He’d thought about it a lot as he cropped Sicheng out of the photos from his birthday party. His favourite picture from the night was of him with his arm slung around Kun’s shoulders, heads tilted towards each other, wide smiles on their faces. He liked the way they looked together. 

“Chittaphon, you’re late,” Lucas said when he finally arrived.

“Call me Ten, it’s what everybody calls me, even my family, so it’s weird when someone says this name.”

“Okay, Ten, you’re late. You had me standing out here for almost fifteen minutes.”

“I’m here now, that’s the important thing,” Ten replied. “And I’ll buy you a shot to make up for it. Let’s go.” 

The bar was a short walk away. It had two levels, each playing a different style of music. They took a lap through the entire place, Ten leading the way, while Lucas trailed close to him, overwhelmed by appreciative glances and stares from a wide variety of people. 

Ten preferred the music downstairs, so they made their way back down the narrow staircase, already slick with spilled liquids, and squeezed their way to the bar. He ordered two shots of maple flavoured whisky. An odd choice, but it tasted really good and it helped ease Lucas’ nerves.

Lucas wasn’t sure why he was even here. Was this supposed to lead to some sort of gay awakening? Was it part of some plan to match him with a guy who would take his mind off of Kun? 

Ten pulled on Lucas’ sleeve, motioning for him to bend down. “See anyone you like?” 

Lucas shrugged. There were so many different kinds of people, so many possibilities. There were guys in girl clothes and girls in guy clothes and people who didn’t seem to align with any specific rules about gender. He saw all manner of tall and short, thick and slim, pale and deep, and a seemingly endless variety of hair and makeup, outfits ranging from accountant to outrageous. It was so different from the clubs and bars he usually frequented, where everyone followed trends like a uniform and beauty was a narrow goal to be achieved. 

“What qualities do you like?”

“Qualities?” Lucas repeated.

“Yeah, you know, ass, thighs, hands, eyes. Personally, I love the v shaped lines right below a man’s abs,” Ten said, biting his lip and raising a slender brow. 

“I like…a nice smile,” Lucas said. It was a soft answer, but it was the truth. Nothing appealed to him so much as really great smile, especially if he was the one who put it there.

Ten gave him a curious look. 

“What?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Come on, what? You bring me here, ask me if there’s anyone I like…”

“I’m trying to help you figure out what you want.”

Lucas knew what he wanted. He knew exactly who he wanted. Going home with some random guy wasn’t going to change that. 

“You don’t have to say it,” Ten added. “You don’t have to give it a name, or a label. Just look around, listen to your body, let it tell you what really makes it _want_.” 

Lucas’ eyes wandered to a guy who was dancing on his own. He wore simple jeans and a tee shirt that was just short enough to show a flash of abs as he moved. His hair was a vibrant blue that shimmered when it caught the light and fell across his forehead in sweaty streaks. His face was handsome, in a boyish way, and there was something in his smile, a hint of rebellion that kept Lucas’ attention. Was this his type?

“He’s cute,” Ten said, following Lucas’ line of sight. 

“Yeah,” Lucas admitted. 

Ten smiled. “See, that wasn’t so difficult.” 

“I guess not,” Lucas replied. His admission hadn’t caused his world to collapse. In fact, he felt better than he had before. Even letting one person know, somehow made him feel more free. 

“If you want to explore your sexuality, there are plenty of people here who would be willing to guide you. Just take your pick,” Ten said. 

Lucas looked at him, scanning his small, feline face, his sharp eyes with their playful glow. He was cute too. “So guide me,” Lucas grinned. 

Ten shot Lucas a look that said he wasn’t buying whatever he was selling. But then he grabbed his hand and pulled him over to where there was room to dance, right beside the blue haired guy. 

Lucas could feel the guy’s eyes on him, but his own attention was mesmerised by the way Ten moved. His body was like water, the way he rolled his chest and swayed his hips, brushing against Lucas when he wanted to, then floating away, out of reach. He was seductive and Lucas wasn’t ashamed to admit that he liked it.

“Damn, Ten.” he said, flashing his most charming smile. But all he got in response was a pair of eyes rolled towards the ceiling. 

Ten made eye contact with the blue haired guy and started to dance with him, leaving Lucas standing there, nodding his head as he watched them start to grind. Ten turned around, backing his ass into the guy’s hips. He gazed at Lucas, head tossed back, mouth slightly open, as the guy slid a hand along his waist.

Lucas shook his head and lifted two fingers, motioning for Ten to come back. He did, shooting forward, out of the blue haired guy’s grasp, and into Lucas’ open arms. 

“I was going to introduce you two,” Ten said, placing his hands behind Lucas’ neck and pulling him closer.

“I told you, I don’t do hookups,” Lucas replied. Not anymore. He was past that. 

“And you’ve never been with a guy.”

"Never even kissed one.” 

Ten dropped his gaze from Lucas’ eyes to his mouth. “You have gorgeous lips.”

“Thanks,” Lucas said, with a smile.

“You can kiss me, if you want to,” Ten said. “I know you want to,” he added.

Lucas laughed. “Oh, you know that.”

Ten nodded, a mischievous smile playing on his face. 

“You’re sure?” 

“Yup.” 

Lucas bent his head down, letting his eyes drift shut as he brushed their lips together. Ten’s mouth was soft and tasted faintly of maple. It felt good, warm. But his heart didn’t skip the way it did when Kun so much as smiled in his direction. 

“Okay, now you’ve got that out of your system,” Ten said, releasing himself from Lucas’ arms. "This is as far as anything goes between us. Got it?” 

Lucas shrugged. He didn’t mind. His heart was already set on what it wanted. “Got it.”

Ten’s eyes narrowed. “And he has a boyfriend, so let it go. Find someone else.” 

Lucas let his smile fade. “Is it that obvious?”

Ten sighed. “Come on, let’s have another drink.”

They went to the bar, ordered another round of whisky shots, doubles this time, and Lucas paid.

“Listen, I get it, your whole fascination with Kun. He’s an amazing guy. The best guy I know. But he’s in a relationship.” Ten said, “And not one of those open ones, either. He’s not into that.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Lucas insisted. He shook his head and tossed the contents of his glass down his throat in a single swallow. 

“Yeah,” Ten pointed at him, “but you want to. And if you hurt him, you won’t like what happens next.” 

“I wouldn’t hurt him,” Lucas replied, defensive. He wasn’t sure if he was even ready to talk about this. His mixed up emotions were hard enough to deal with on his own. But now here he was, being warned away from the first person he genuinely felt something for. “I’m not automatically the bad guy just because I couldn’t figure this out before he met someone else.” 

Ten’s face softened. “I know. I’m just protective. He’s special to me.”

“He’s special to me too.” 

“Wow, this is worse than I thought.” Ten slid his shot glass to Lucas. “Drink that and let’s go get something to eat.”

********

They picked up some noodles and walked back to Ten’s apartment. The place was small and packed with stuff, yet somehow immaculate. Two beautiful, sleek cats greeted them as they entered.

Ten told Lucas to make himself comfortable and that he was welcome to sleep on the sofa. It was late and the ride back to campus was long, if the buses were even still running. They ate and talked, while scrolling through their phones. 

Lucas hadn’t messaged Kun since the day after his birthday, when he thanked him again for the cognac and for coming to the party. They hadn’t spoken as much as Lucas wanted, not with Sicheng around to make the conversation seem awkward. He was so clingy, holding Kun’s hand or adjusting his clothes, fixing his hair. Anything to show off how disgustingly close they were. He’d even made Kun leave the party early, whining that he was exhausted from rehearsing his solo in _Petite Mort_. Lucas didn’t care what that was, but he knew it was probably a lot more impressive than swimming the 50 metres freestyle in under 25 seconds. 

A soft, familiar voice caught his ear. He glanced at Ten who was watching something on his phone with a tender expression. “Is that…”

“Yeah,” Ten replied. “He’s working on something new.”

Lucas slid closer, leaning over to see the screen. A black and white video panned from rain drops on a window to Kun playing piano. A candle flickered beside him as he sang a sultry melody. Two red hearts appeared on the screen and the video ended. 

“Where’s that from?” Lucas asked, wondering why he hadn’t seen it since he followed Kun’s public and private accounts. 

“Sicheng posted it,” Ten said, “on private.” 

Lucas felt his chest tighten. He had a sudden craving for a smoke, a drink, anything that might dull the ache. He swallowed, hard. His mouth felt dry and his hands felt wet. “Is that from tonight?”

“I think so. It’s new.” 

Ten played it again and though it hurt to watch, Lucas couldn’t look away. 

“Kun is such a romantic,” Ten said. “He may seem serious on the outside, but that’s what makes the inside so much sweeter.”

“Do you think they're in love?” Lucas asked. He regretted the question as soon as it left his lips. But he had to know. If Kun was already in love with Sicheng, then he wouldn’t stand a chance.

Ten cocked his head to the side, then looked at Lucas. “Mmm, I think he’s happy. But I don’t think it’s love. Not yet anyway. It takes time for him.”

Lucas stared at his own lap, feeling like a fool for still wanting to disrupt that happiness for his own selfish pleasure.

“But it is for you,” Ten added, quietly. 

Lucas looked over at him, eyes wide. He hadn’t called it that, not even in the deepest recesses of his mind. But in his heart, it rang true. “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ve never been in love before. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like.”

Ten groaned. “Take my advice. Don’t do it.” He stared at his phone. “It hurts like hell.”

Lucas glanced from his face to the phone and back again. 

_He's special to me_ , Ten’s words replayed in his mind. 

“Did you two ever…?” Lucas asked. 

Ten slid his phone onto the table and stretched. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Were you ever a couple?”

“I have tea, wine, water, of course. I’ll make some tea,” Ten started to stand, but Lucas clamped a hand down on his thigh.

“Ten!” Lucas squeezed his thigh, eliciting a high pitched giggle as Ten squirmed. 

“Okay, okay. The short answer is no.” 

“And the long answer?” 

Ten leaned back, folding his hands in his lap as he nestled into the corner of the sofa. “We fooled around when we were teenagers. He was my first kiss,” he smiled. “He was my first for a lot of things actually.” He shook his head. “I had braces back then too. Poor Kun.” 

“So you never actually dated?”

“We didn’t need to. He’s my best friend. He understands me better than anyone in the whole world. I’d rather our friendship last forever, than risk ruining it with a relationship.” 

“Did you love him?” 

Ten laughed and then sighed. “I’ve been in love with Kun since we were thirteen years old. Doesn’t mean we’re supposed to be together. I’m not an easy person to date. I’m demanding, needy, I travel a lot for work. He deserves better than that. So I’m happy being his friend.”

Lucas thought about friendship. If he was truly Kun’s friend, he would be content with staying that way. Besides, friendships could last a lifetime, while relationships rarely did. If Kun was happy with Sicheng, then Lucas should be happy for him. Like Ten was.

But it seemed so unfair. He didn’t want to just give up, let his heart break. After all this time, he’d finally fallen in love. And it fucking hurt. 

  
********

  
Lucas was supposed to go the gym, but he wasn’t feeling up to it. He was supposed to work on an annotated bibliography for his advanced writing class, but he was having a hard time focusing. He couldn’t even figure out what to order for dinner, even though he was so hungry that his stomach had audibly growled three times. 

There wasn’t much that interested Lucas lately. The closer it got to Valentine’s Day, the darker his mood became. Sicheng was visiting Kun’s apartment often enough that Lucas had to shift his morning swim schedule to avoid running into him in the hallway. That was the worst because it was like rubbing his face in the fact that Sicheng was spending all these nights in Kun’s bed, when it should have been him instead. 

Lucas shoved a book off the bed and covered his face with his hands. He was pathetic. Why couldn’t he have just gone home with the blue haired guy from the bar? Instead he was sitting in his room, texting Ten with all his embarrassing questions about sex between men. He liked how openly they could talk, so that when he was ready to try some new things, he had the language to for it. 

They had even made plans to go to another gay bar. Ten wanted to take him to a drag show. He hadn’t told any of this other friends about it though. Not even Kun. Of course, he was so busy with his boyfriend that he didn’t have much time left for Lucas. 

His phone buzzed and Lucas expected it to be an answer from Ten about sex underwater, but instead it was a message from Kun, asking if he’d eaten. Lucas replied that he hadn’t, so Kun invited him over.

He tamped down his excitement, reminding himself that they were just friends. This was going to be a purely platonic dinner. Even if there was candlelight and home cooking involved. 

“I hope you like pasta,” Kun said, smiling as Lucas walked through the open door and into his apartment. He looked achingly cute in a cream coloured sweater. 

“Pasta? Yeah, I like it.” Lucas was surprised. He didn’t know Kun could make Italian food. 

“I watched a video on how to make fresh pasta, but I made way too much. So thanks for helping me eat.”

“Anytime,” Lucas replied. “You’re a great cook. I’m just happy you thought to share it with me.” 

“It’s been a while, since before winter break, right?” 

“Right,” Lucas agreed. It had been too long. “You’re not wearing glasses,” he remarked. 

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get more comfortable with contacts lately. People say glasses hide the face.”

Lucas frowned. “I like you in glasses.” He really did. They suited Kun’s slightly nerdish charm. 

“Exactly,” Kun said. 

“No, that’s not what I meant. Either way, you have a really good face. Glasses can’t hide that. They just make you look…as smart as you are.” 

Kun drew his eyebrows together in confusion. “Thanks?” 

“Do you need help with anything?” Lucas asked, eying the kitchen table, which was stacked with electronics, what looked like music equipment. 

“Oh, we can eat in the living room, here, take these out there,” Kun said, handing Lucas two glasses and a flip top bottle with no label.

“What is this?“ Lucas asked, 

“Lemon basil soda.” 

“Did you make this too?” 

“Yeah,” Kun smiled.

Lucas would have clutched his heart, but his hands were full of glass so he just said _amazing_ and returned the smile. He walked over to the low, wooden table in the centre of the living room. Kun followed with two plates of golden pasta, speckled with meat and cheese. He returned to the kitchen and brought back a shared plate of roasted broccoli, along with some napkins and silverware.

“What do you call this?” Lucas asked, spearing a tube shaped noodle with his fork. 

“The recipe is called carbonara. The noodles are rigatoni, the meat is guanciale, and the cheese is pecorino.”

“Wow,” Lucas said, stuffing a perfectly tender bite into his mouth. He moaned. “Mmmm.”

Kun laughed. “You don’t have to exaggerate.”

“I’m not! It’s seriously so good!”

“Thank you,” Kun said, his cheeks dimpled in a soft smile. 

Lucas couldn’t take his eyes away. Which was bad, very bad, because they were just having dinner. He wasn’t supposed to be thinking about kissing him. No, he had to remind himself that Kun had a boyfriend. 

“So you’re solo tonight?” Lucas asked. 

“Yeah, I borrowed some studio equipment I want to play around with, so, as usual, I’ll be working on music. How about you?”

“Studying mostly. I put my advanced writing credit off until this term, so that’s going to be making me suffer for the next few months.” 

“That’s amazing you’ve come so far. I can’t imagine taking advanced writing in Chinese. I mean, I speak it and my parents sent me to classes after school when I was a kid, but I can’t write that well. It doesn’t help that I learned simplified while most of the restaurants around here use traditional. And that’s all I really want to use it for, reading menus.”

Lucas laughed. “I never thought about that. Ordering from menus is one of the things I do best, so if you ever need help, I’m your man.

Kun burst into laughter, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. “Where have you been all my life?”

“Hong Kong,” Lucas replied. 

Kun’s phone rang. He picked it up to check the call, ended it, and returned the phone to the table. 

“If you need to get that, I don’t mind,” Lucas said. 

“No, no. I want to enjoy dinner.” 

The phone lit up with a message, followed by another, and another. Kun glanced at it and then flipped the device face down. 

“Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, fine. It’s just…communication. I haven’t been in a relationship in a while, so I’m used to just doing whatever I want. But when there’s someone else, you have to figure out what works for both of you. You know what I mean?”

“Not exactly. I’ve never been in a relationship.”

“Really?” Kun asked. “Are you not interested?”

“I used to think I wasn’t. But now I’d be into it,” Lucas smiled at him, “with the right person,” 

Kun nodded, sliding a forkful of pasta between his lips. 

Lucas tried not to stare, but it was hard to keep his thoughts away from kissing when Kun kept putting things into his mouth. 

“So how did you two meet anyway?” he asked. As much as he didn’t want to hear about Sicheng, this particular point made him curious. One minute, he’d been on the verge of kissing Kun in the kitchen, and the next he was finding out that there was a new boyfriend in the picture. 

“Oh, I posted some music and he messaged me because he’d choreographed a dance to one of my songs. So he shared it with me and we just kept talking, everyday, and then we met in person…and…yeah. Things moved really quickly.” 

_Well_. That was something Lucas couldn’t offer. Artistic connection. As much as he loved music, he had no talent for it. All he could do was fanboy over the songs Kun shared with him. Maybe Sicheng was a better match for Kun than he could ever be. 

They finished eating and Lucas offered to do the dishes. Then they returned to the living room with tea and chocolates. Lucas asked about the new songs Kun was working on and what he planned to do with the equipment he was testing. It was as close to content as Lucas had been in weeks. He felt warm, relaxed, as they lounged on the floor, listening to music.

“How do you write lyrics?” Lucas asked. “Do you write a poem and then set it to music? Or do you compose music and then add lyrics?”

“Usually I compose first. Writing lyrics is really hard. I edit them over and over again and I’m never really sure when to stop.”

“I have a hard time writing anything.”

“Have you ever tried recording your thoughts first?” 

“No, you mean like with my phone?”

“Yeah, I do that when I can’t come up with anything to write in my notebook. I’ll just sing whatever comes to mind and then organise it later.”

Lucas nodded. “Freestyle.” He liked the sound of that. “I’ll try it.” He chuckled. “But I’ll probably just confuse myself more. I’m really not good at writing.”

“Everyone has their own talents,” Kun offered. “I’m really not good at sports.”

Lucas laughed. “Unless you’re at an Olympic qualifying level, being good at swimming doesn’t get you very far in life. I don’t really know what my talent is.” 

Kun scoffed. “Says the supermodel. You’re talented enough to appear in magazines.”

“You noticed that?”

“You posted about it. Kind of a lot.” 

Lucas hid his face behind his arm in embarrassment. “It’s just…the biggest ad I’ve landed so far and if they like me, I might get to appear in the global campaign.”

“That’s amazing! You’ll get it. They’d be insane not to choose you.”

“I don’t know. It’s a lot of work, being what they want me to be.” Lucas rubbed his stomach and smiled. “I’m not supposed to be eating pasta. But I loved it.” 

“Oh, you have to train a lot?”

“Yeah and different companies want different looks. Sometimes that can mean spending a lot of time in the gym trying to bulk up. Or weeks of eating nothing but chicken breast and spinach. Or going an entire day without water so my abs will pop more on camera. I wouldn’t call any of that talent. It’s just work.”

“But talent has to be developed. We have to work at the things we want to be good at, even if we’re born with some natural ability.”

“I guess I should have put everything into one goal, instead of spreading myself across swimming, school, and work.” 

“Why did you choose your major?” 

“I thought I might become a trainer or sports coach. It’s what I’ve always been good at.”

“But not really what you want to do?”

Lucas shrugged. “I’ve taught sports camps in the spring and summer for years. It’s fun. The kids are so carefree and energetic. But maybe I like it because it’s what I’ve always done. It's like with swimming. I’m good at it, but I don’t have the drive to get to an elite level. I’m not passionate about it. Or anything, I guess.” 

“It can take time to find out who we are, what we want to do in the world. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But you have music. You’ve always know what you’re meant to do.”

“That doesn’t mean I accepted it easily. Music is a big risk. There’s no guarantee of success or even an income. Art and business is a difficult marriage. But ultimately, I don’t think I would exist without music. It’s part of me. I have to do it.” 

“You’re amazing at it,” Lucas said, a besotted smile on his face. 

Kun sipped his tea, trying to hide the light pink flush warming his cheeks. “Thanks.”

Lucas felt pleased, seeing him smile into his cup. He wondered if Sicheng made him smile like this. The pleasantness started to fade as he realised that Sicheng did a lot more than make him smile. He got to make him feel good in all sorts of ways. 

If only he hadn’t been so scared of who he really was, of disappointing his family, of being rejected by his friends. Then Kun’s songs and his smiles might be for him. It was hard to just be platonic, when his mind, body, and heart wanted more. 

“So what would you do, if you could do anything you wanted?” Kun asked. 

_Kiss you_ , Lucas thought. 

But he couldn’t say that. Instead he stared at the candle on the table and tried to think of something else that would make him happy. He closed his eyes and imagined himself on a stage, in front of thousands of people, who smiled and cheered and forgot their hardships because of him. 

“Maybe I’d be an entertainer,” Lucas said, “I don’t really know how to act or sing, but I like making people smile. That’s what I like most about swimming and coaching and modelling, the part where I get to make people happy.”

Kun laughed. “Worldwide pop star. Perfect. You don’t dream small, do you?”

“That’s why it’s a dream. I can’t sing. Or dance. It’s probably too late for that anyway.” 

“I don’t know much about dancing, but anyone can learn to sing.”

“Says the singer,” Lucas scoffed. “You already have that talent.”

“I had to learn. So can you.” 

“No way,” Lucas laughed. 

“Why not?”

“Because it’s embarrassing.” 

“Standing in front of an audience in a tiny swimsuit is embarrassing,” Kun said, “though not with your body, I guess,” he added. 

_Was Kun flirting with him?_ Lucas grinned. “You should come to one of my meets sometime.” 

Kun smiled, tongue poking out from the corner of his mouth. “Sounds terrible.”

_Kun was definitely flirting with him.  
_

“Besides, I’ve already heard you sing in the shower. These walls are pretty thin,” Kun said.

“What? Really?” Lucas stared in shock.

“Aha! So you do sing!“ 

Lucas pursed his lips. He was busted. “Alright, alright. What do you want me to sing?”

“Whatever you sing in the shower,” Kun said, laughing.

Lucas shook his head. “Now you’re just roasting me.” He drew his knees up, as if he were about to stand. “What time is it? I should study.”

“No,” Kun slapped a hand on Lucas’ knee, “sing whatever you like.” He gazed at Lucas with a warm glimmer in his eyes. “I’ll help you.”

Kun sang a line from a well known song by a male vocal group known for their sexy concepts. 

Lucas smiled. If this was how Kun imagined him performing, he would be more than happy to deliver. He repeated the line, speaking it more than singing it, but whatever. If he was out of tune, a well timed lip bite or chest roll could make up for it. He went for the lip bite and Kun almost fell over with laughter. 

Kun managed to feed him another line and Lucas repeated it. He knew the song well enough to finish the verse, so he did. Kun smiled and clapped his hands.

“Again, from the beginning.” 

Lucas started the verse over. This time Kun layered his voice on top, harmonising in a clear, pretty tone that fit alongside Lucas’ deep voice so well. They sounded good together. 

“You’re really great at that,” Lucas marvelled, after they finished. “You even make me sound decent.” 

Kun leaned back on his hands and gave him a wide, confident smile. “I love making harmony.” 

Lucas stared at him, pulse quickening, as the subtext lingered in the air. He tried to thing of something clever to say, something flirtatious, but not too flirtatious. He was usually so skilled at this, but his mind sputtered to find a response. All he could think about was leaning forward and capturing his perfect mouth with a kiss. 

Kun’s phone rang, cutting the anticipation between them. He checked it and declined the call with a deep sigh. “I should get back to working on music. I didn’t get much done over winter break and I have this advanced arrangement class that is going to kick my ass, if I don’t push myself.” 

“Yeah, sure, I’ll let you work,” Lucas said, tucking his legs beneath him and rising to his feet. “Just don’t be too hard on yourself.” 

Kun stood up. “I don’t have a choice. There are deadlines. I have to produce something, even if the creative well is dry, even if I can’t find inspiration.” 

“Hey, come on, you do so much. You work so hard on your music, on other people’s music, you’re always sharing your kindness with others, especially me. You should give some to yourself too.”

Kun lowered his head and smiled, eyes flickering up to look at Lucas. “Thank you.” 

“Anytime,” Lucas grinned. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be your vitamin.” 

Against his own sense, he reached out and pulled Kun into a hug. Their bodies fit together perfectly, just as he knew they would. Lucas drank in his scent. It reminded him of citrus and summer. He could feel the rise and fall of Kun's breath and the beat of his heart. It sent warm waves of happiness all the way through him.

But Lucas couldn't do this. He couldn't keep his feelings platonic. It was too difficult. He had to stop, even if meant distancing himself from their friendship.


End file.
